and apparently checking email every hour, and rushing towards the newly delivered mail doesn't speed up the process of licensing.
I feel discouraged. I feel drained. I feel to the point of why am I still waiting, still clinging to this, this viewing it as a possibility.
I wonder what I'm missing. What im doing wrong. Why this isn't happening as I feel it should.
The delays are frustrating. The hoops to jump through are tiring. Not to mention the financial burden.
I'd almost be ok if I just stopped moving forward. So much of the past several months were "I might have a placement by then!"
Can I just take a break? A break from the tugging on heart strings. A break from the hope that this will happen sooner than later. I am just so drained from all the unknowns. This isn't going by textbook. Nothing I do ever does, I feel. But then again .. What in this life really does?
My license could come tomorrow. Or it might not. I'm done hoping for things to happen fast. They'll happen in Gods timing. I don't understabd the delays. I don't understand this timeline. I don't understand why I felt this so prominent on my heart and stepped out in faith only for the delays, only for the state to question things my agency has never seen.
I'm not discouraged, and I'm not giving up hope, but I'm facing the world reality that this sucks and yes it's a very emotional journey. God is in control but how often I've tried to keep control of it.
--
I'm not one for "back up plans," but I've already decided that if my application is declined, I'm buying a Mazda Miata. Depending on how much it costs to insure, I'd buy a 2015 or even 2016. It would take awhile to come up with a down payment, but it's what is work towards getting as soon as my student loan is paid off in spring of 2016!
--
God is good. And even when I feel nothing is happening right or that the world is caving in, I trust that Father has a far grander plan for my life than I could possibly imagine.
Monday, June 22, 2015
Monday, June 15, 2015
From every angle
This journey has been long and drawn out. When I started in September, it began moving very quickly. Almost too quickly. I lowed down to enjoy the holidays, and then come mid-late January, it was back in full swing. By April 1st, my study was submitted to the state. But here we are mid-June and I am still waiting.
There have been some delays. There are things my licensor is facing that he says are the first for the agency. I am happy that it is a learning experience all around, yet the delays have brought out some emotions that I never saw coming.
I had to have my Environmental Health Study redone. It took some time to get that scheduled. Then I needed the septic pumped. There was another 10 days. I finally got the report in the mail today, and I hope my agency got it too and that my application can be resubmitted with all necessary documents. It is possible that I'll have my license as early as the week's end. I want to have that hope, but I also have a hard time holding onto too much hope. I believe that good things are in store. I know that Abba Father has called me to this. I know that everything is working out for his good.
These times of delay just make it so much more rewarding when the answer to prayer comes. There is something to be learned through all of this. Either I can do things that I wouldn't be able to do had I gotten my license prior. Maybe the littles I am going to get are going to be lined up so beautifully with my license. Perhaps if I already had my license, I would have received a placement, but the ones that God is preparing my heart for are on their way and this delay just lines everything up with God's most perfect timing?
What lies ahead? I honestly don't know. Will I get my license? Yes. When? I wish I knew. God knows. And I will walk in His most perfect plan for me.
Amen.
There have been some delays. There are things my licensor is facing that he says are the first for the agency. I am happy that it is a learning experience all around, yet the delays have brought out some emotions that I never saw coming.
I had to have my Environmental Health Study redone. It took some time to get that scheduled. Then I needed the septic pumped. There was another 10 days. I finally got the report in the mail today, and I hope my agency got it too and that my application can be resubmitted with all necessary documents. It is possible that I'll have my license as early as the week's end. I want to have that hope, but I also have a hard time holding onto too much hope. I believe that good things are in store. I know that Abba Father has called me to this. I know that everything is working out for his good.
These times of delay just make it so much more rewarding when the answer to prayer comes. There is something to be learned through all of this. Either I can do things that I wouldn't be able to do had I gotten my license prior. Maybe the littles I am going to get are going to be lined up so beautifully with my license. Perhaps if I already had my license, I would have received a placement, but the ones that God is preparing my heart for are on their way and this delay just lines everything up with God's most perfect timing?
What lies ahead? I honestly don't know. Will I get my license? Yes. When? I wish I knew. God knows. And I will walk in His most perfect plan for me.
Amen.
Monday, June 8, 2015
Once upon a time ....
... in a land and time that seems so far away, a little girl held a dream so close to her heart.
This dream was to one day be a momma. She rocked her baby dolls. She gave them their bottles regularly. They got baths, and clean clothes.
They were so very well loved and cared for.
This little girl was not ordinary. One of her biggest prayers was that when she awoke, the baby dolls that were entrusted to her care would wake up and they would be real live, living and breathing babies.
Morning after morning, night after night, this prayer remained on her lips.
Her desire and hope to be a momma was so intense.
As time went on and the little girl became a big girl, she knew now that baby dolls would not become live babies. She wanted to travel the world and care for the orphans. Her biggest dream now was to open an orphanage in the heart of the city.
It was a sad day when she learned that America no longer runs orphanages. Babies need nurturing and love. They were not getting this in orphanages. This girl wanted to change that. She wanted to prove that she had enough love to raise world changers.
Many years later, the big girl was now a young lady and thinking about courtship, marriage and raising a family. She had a place to live, but so longed for the pitter patter of little feet, the sticky finger prints on the wall, and cuddles in the rocking chair as bed time stories were told. She longed for play dates and trips to the park. She knew it wasn't all about fun times, and that there were going to be temper tantrums, and "terrible twos" and diaper rashes, and teething babies, and all the responsibilities that cone along with the joys of motherhood.
One afternoon, she felt a nudge. A whisper, if you will, asking her if she would be willing to be a foster mom. "There are so many littles in the world that don't know me, they don't know my love," she heard. This young lady didn't know what to make of it. Was she imagining things? Was this something she could do? She wasn't married. She didn't own a home. She was working 3 part time jobs. Could she give up her "freedom" and commit to this task?
Years went by but this desire in her heart grew. It went with her as she moved several times in a year. It remained with her as she transitioned from 3 jobs to 2 jobs and an internship. It stayed with her as she went to school and pursued a degree. It remained with her so much that she often daydreamed about and prayed for the babies needing love.
Finally she moved into a home that was far too large for just her and her normal day to day life. She had come to possess so many material riches that her closet was actually 2 closets. There was so much stuff that it took up not only 2 bedrooms, but also a utility closet.
She just kept packing in the stuff. Her material possession were expanding.
Not long after moving in, she was talking with a very dear friend of her and they were discussing life. It was shortly after this beautiful soul left when this young woman had to sit down in the entry way because she knew. She knew that this was the place where God's glory was going to be shown. She knew that world changers would emerge from within those 4 walls.
Every year, it was journaled about. Every year it was written as resolution. "Inquire about foster care."
"How can this be? I am not married, I don't own a home, I am so young!" These thoughts floated in her mind. She pondered and prayed. She said if it was meant to be, it would be, but she would need to be shown how.
Only though the foster care and adoption of her own baby sister would she realize that the steps had been being prepared for her all along.
"Faith ... is taking the first step without seeing the entire staircase."
It has been an uphill journey for this young woman. She has learned so much in the process. Her passion and love for the broken and hurting in the word increases day by day.
While the journey is certainly upward, it has not come easy. There have been road blocks, and tests. All of which are continually surrendered to the Lord.
Sure she wants to have littles in her home now, loving on them. Yes, she wants to be making a difference and wishes she had children in her care months ago.
But she realizes that anything beautiful takes time. Anything worth having is worth waiting for.
The principles she has learned in this journey so far can be applied to far more life circumstances then just this one area.
In all areas she is learning to trust in the Lord with all of hear heart. To lean on Him and not her own understanding. To have faith that God has called her to something far more beautiful then she could ever imagine or think she wants.
It has been a beautiful journey, and one that will have a magical ending for all involved. A story that will have more than just one happy ending. :)
This dream was to one day be a momma. She rocked her baby dolls. She gave them their bottles regularly. They got baths, and clean clothes.
They were so very well loved and cared for.
This little girl was not ordinary. One of her biggest prayers was that when she awoke, the baby dolls that were entrusted to her care would wake up and they would be real live, living and breathing babies.
Morning after morning, night after night, this prayer remained on her lips.
Her desire and hope to be a momma was so intense.
As time went on and the little girl became a big girl, she knew now that baby dolls would not become live babies. She wanted to travel the world and care for the orphans. Her biggest dream now was to open an orphanage in the heart of the city.
It was a sad day when she learned that America no longer runs orphanages. Babies need nurturing and love. They were not getting this in orphanages. This girl wanted to change that. She wanted to prove that she had enough love to raise world changers.
Many years later, the big girl was now a young lady and thinking about courtship, marriage and raising a family. She had a place to live, but so longed for the pitter patter of little feet, the sticky finger prints on the wall, and cuddles in the rocking chair as bed time stories were told. She longed for play dates and trips to the park. She knew it wasn't all about fun times, and that there were going to be temper tantrums, and "terrible twos" and diaper rashes, and teething babies, and all the responsibilities that cone along with the joys of motherhood.
One afternoon, she felt a nudge. A whisper, if you will, asking her if she would be willing to be a foster mom. "There are so many littles in the world that don't know me, they don't know my love," she heard. This young lady didn't know what to make of it. Was she imagining things? Was this something she could do? She wasn't married. She didn't own a home. She was working 3 part time jobs. Could she give up her "freedom" and commit to this task?
Years went by but this desire in her heart grew. It went with her as she moved several times in a year. It remained with her as she transitioned from 3 jobs to 2 jobs and an internship. It stayed with her as she went to school and pursued a degree. It remained with her so much that she often daydreamed about and prayed for the babies needing love.
Finally she moved into a home that was far too large for just her and her normal day to day life. She had come to possess so many material riches that her closet was actually 2 closets. There was so much stuff that it took up not only 2 bedrooms, but also a utility closet.
She just kept packing in the stuff. Her material possession were expanding.
Not long after moving in, she was talking with a very dear friend of her and they were discussing life. It was shortly after this beautiful soul left when this young woman had to sit down in the entry way because she knew. She knew that this was the place where God's glory was going to be shown. She knew that world changers would emerge from within those 4 walls.
Every year, it was journaled about. Every year it was written as resolution. "Inquire about foster care."
"How can this be? I am not married, I don't own a home, I am so young!" These thoughts floated in her mind. She pondered and prayed. She said if it was meant to be, it would be, but she would need to be shown how.
Only though the foster care and adoption of her own baby sister would she realize that the steps had been being prepared for her all along.
"Faith ... is taking the first step without seeing the entire staircase."
It has been an uphill journey for this young woman. She has learned so much in the process. Her passion and love for the broken and hurting in the word increases day by day.
While the journey is certainly upward, it has not come easy. There have been road blocks, and tests. All of which are continually surrendered to the Lord.
Sure she wants to have littles in her home now, loving on them. Yes, she wants to be making a difference and wishes she had children in her care months ago.
But she realizes that anything beautiful takes time. Anything worth having is worth waiting for.
The principles she has learned in this journey so far can be applied to far more life circumstances then just this one area.
In all areas she is learning to trust in the Lord with all of hear heart. To lean on Him and not her own understanding. To have faith that God has called her to something far more beautiful then she could ever imagine or think she wants.
It has been a beautiful journey, and one that will have a magical ending for all involved. A story that will have more than just one happy ending. :)
Monday, June 1, 2015
Small Update
Nothing really new happening ... yet. I had to have my environmental health study redone since the one that I originally submitted was deemed as "expired."
That was completed on Friday. Now I need my septic tank pumped and a report card filled out on that. Once that is done, everything will be forwarded off to the State again.
I have confidence that everything is working on for the greater glory of God.
He constantly reminds me that He has called me to this and that He will bring me through it.
One that note, I purchased a double jogger. The chances of getting just 1 child in my care is very slim. Mostly likely I will have 2, most likely a sibling group. No guarantees or normals, but that is what I have been told is the most likely.
Seeing that I have to prepare for a half marathon, having a double jogger is pertinent. And I can also rollerblade behind it. I am pretty excited to dust of those bad boys.
Until next time .... lots of love!
That was completed on Friday. Now I need my septic tank pumped and a report card filled out on that. Once that is done, everything will be forwarded off to the State again.
I have confidence that everything is working on for the greater glory of God.
He constantly reminds me that He has called me to this and that He will bring me through it.
One that note, I purchased a double jogger. The chances of getting just 1 child in my care is very slim. Mostly likely I will have 2, most likely a sibling group. No guarantees or normals, but that is what I have been told is the most likely.
Seeing that I have to prepare for a half marathon, having a double jogger is pertinent. And I can also rollerblade behind it. I am pretty excited to dust of those bad boys.
Until next time .... lots of love!
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