"A watched pot never boils"

and apparently checking email every hour, and rushing towards the newly delivered mail doesn't speed up the process of licensing.

I feel discouraged. I feel drained. I feel to the point of why am I still waiting, still clinging to this, this viewing it as a possibility.

I wonder what I'm missing. What im doing wrong. Why this isn't happening as I feel it should.

The delays are frustrating. The hoops to jump through are tiring. Not to mention the financial burden.

I'd almost be ok if I just stopped moving forward. So much of the past several months were "I might have a placement by then!"

Can I just take a break? A break from the tugging on heart strings. A break from the hope that this will happen sooner than later. I am just so drained from all the unknowns. This isn't going by textbook. Nothing I do ever does, I feel. But then again .. What in this life really does?

My license could come tomorrow. Or it might not. I'm done hoping for things to happen fast. They'll happen in Gods timing. I don't understabd the delays. I don't understand this timeline. I don't understand why I felt this so prominent on my heart and stepped out in faith only for the delays, only for the state to question things my agency has never seen.

I'm not discouraged, and I'm not giving up hope, but I'm facing the world reality that this sucks and yes it's a very emotional journey. God is in control but how often I've tried to keep control of it.

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I'm not one for "back up plans," but I've already decided that if my application is declined, I'm buying a Mazda Miata. Depending on how much it costs to insure, I'd buy a 2015 or even 2016. It would take awhile to come up with a down payment, but it's what is work towards getting as soon as my student loan is paid off in spring of 2016!

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God is good. And even when I feel nothing is happening right or that the world is caving in, I trust that Father has a far grander plan for my life than I could possibly imagine.