His Way in All Things

Sometimes this journey just feels so surreal. Sometimes I think I am dreaming.

This journey has been in the Hands of God since before it was even a thought in my head.

So often, I wonder ... why can't every other area of my life be in such submission and surrender to God's will like this one? So often I try to take the reins of life and try to steer and dictate the course or the outcome.

So often I find myself struggling with a broken heart or weeping because I feel I just can't move forward.


How come I can't be content? How come I can't see the bigger picture? How come I can't "Let go, and let God?" Why must I have the upperhand and why must I know the outcome before taking any action?

This journey has taught me so much just in the past few months. When I first embarked on this journey, I sent a dear friend a text message along the lines of "I feel I am right on the edge of something beautiful and something nerve-wracking. Like I am on the edge of the water. It is scary, but is is so peaceful! I want to feel like this all the time! I want God to direct my life as clearly as He is this part!"

Why is it that I so often forget that when I do let God takes the reigns, peace immediately follows? He wants to so much direct every area of my life. Why do I think too often that I can be my own strength and my own protector? His plan and His will is far superior than I could ever possibly think up.  

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord. 

 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Isaiah 55:8-9

If it weren't for God, this journey from one to more would not even be possible. I have those moments when I find myself on my knees in a joyful thanksgiving with tears pouring down my face with the praise "Thank you, Lord, for not giving me what I wanted so desperately!"

I reflect on so many areas of my life. I just sit and shake my head. But I also lift my hands.

I needed those moments. I needed the tears. I needed the pain. It wasn't needed in the grand scheme of things, but I needed them to get to where I am. Those moments grew me. Those moments defined me. Those moments taught me and often remind(ed) me that I belong to my Heavenly Father.

One of the greatest things I have learned is that it is ok to be human. It is ok to make mistakes and learn from them. I have learned how much my Father loves me. I have learned to trust Him and trust that His timing is far better than what I think I want. 

I am done trying to take control and dictate my own life. At least I am until the next time I try, only to be taken into my Abba's loving embrace and reminded that His ways are far better than my own ways.

The biggest theme the past many months has been "wait" which ultimately equals patience.

This is a season of growing, a season of planting, a season of waiting. My heart is open to the newness God has in store for me.

One of the first Bible passages I memorized was Psalm 51:10. "Create in me a pure heart, O God; and renew a steadfast spirit within me." I want a pure heart. I want all I do to spring forth from not only good intentions, but rather from Spirit breathed dreams and God-spoken promises. 

I want to walk with the Giants and conquer mighty things for God's kingdom!

I want to raise Giants. I want to inspire these children who may struggle with finding their place in this world, that there is a bigger picture. There is a reason to live, to hope and to dream.


We all have a purpose. We all have a calling. We are called to be world changes and called to share the Gospel and spread the Love of Christ everywhere we go. 


What does your calling look like? I know mine.

"Yes"

Sometimes saying yes to one thing means saying no to another.

Being a parent requires one to be selfless and make sacrifices.

Just because I might want one thing, I ultimately need to protect these babies.

They come from a hard enough background as it is. I don't need to bring them into a life that they just left. On any level.

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Welcome to the waiting game. I was asked last week if my licensor had permission to submit my home study to the state as soon as he had his supervisors approval.

I said yes!!

"I said yes!" Funny how that phrase is said at this season in life. That is a phrase I though would have only been filled with such excitement and enthusiasm only after the love of my life proposed marriage (and just for the record, I am single). 

I had to literally refrain from texting all my friends "I SAID YES! to my homestudy being submitted to the state!"

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So I have no idea when it was or will be submitted. So I wait.

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So many thoughts through my head. Am I ready? Can I do this? What lies ahead? What daycare will I use? How do I find a day care? What if I want a weekend away or out of town or to go camping?


My life is about to change in such a beautiful way. 

Dreaming and Thanksgiving

To all you moms out there. To everyone who has come along my side and are walking this journey with me. Thank you.

--
 
Sharing joy.

I feel this has been a journey that is not so much about me, but rather all about everyone else.

I love it.

There are many of my friends who are expecting and we are walking into motherhood together.

Friends who have been praying for a baby for years. Friends who planned to wait before starting a family. Friends who were told they would never conceive. Friends who have experienced life, joy, grief, sorrow, death.

We are in this together.

--

Foster parenting as a single parent isn't something most people hear of. "Parenting with two parents is hard enough," I've heard. Even before I started this journey I wasn't even sure being a single foster parent was allowed.

The support, love and encouragement I have received blows me away.

--

The little girl who prayed that if she treated her baby dolls with care they would wake up real babies is going to be a momma.

The little girl who wished a mother would leave her baby on my front door like was seen on movies is going to be a momma.

The little girl who wanted to start an orphanage in her own home is going to be a momma.


The little girl who turned into a young lady who had a heart and a passion for children ... is going to be a momma.

--

Dreams. Visions. Hopes. Prayers.

It is amazing what lavish fruits the Lord has blessed me with.

One step. One day. Never giving up. Never looking back.

Walking out a dream that only could come from the Lord. 

Dear Little One ...

Dear Sweet Child,

I know that I have not met you, nor have you met me, but you already hold such a special place in my heart. I have been preparing my home to be yours, too. The beds were built with you in mind, envisioning your sleepy little self resting comfortably under the soft blankets. Little outfits line the closet, and I ofter wonder which ones will fit you and how many more I'll buy.

Toys and books are plentiful, waiting for little hands to explore. There is a whole pile of stuffed animals; I hope you find a buddy in one of them!

I am sorry we had to meet this way. I know the world you have come to know has just been stripped away from you. I am a stranger and you are in a strange place. While you might feel like the world is against you, I can and do promise you that everyone wants what is best for you. We are all looking out for you.

My name is Catherine; You can call me Miss Catherine, Momma, or what some of my camp girls called me: Coco. It is up to you. I want you to be comfortable. My goal is never to replace your mommy, but rather to shower you with the love you were born to receive.

While some families have a mommy and a daddy, or brothers and sisters, and a grandma and grandpa that live away, my family is definitely unique. Here you will have me, as well as "Papa" or "Grandpa" The little fluff ball of a puppy is "Mona" but rarely do we call her that. She might take a little bit of time to warm up to you, but after the initial phase of getting to know each other, if you allow it, she will be your best friend. She loves to play fetch, and go for walks outside and gather leaves to bring inside. She will gladly sit on your lap and watch a movie with you ... especially if snacks are involved!

After sometime you will meet my own Momma and my four sisters. One of whom is close to your age and has been in your position before. Beyond the seven of us, there are a multitude of aunts, uncles and cousins. We will do introductions slowly and in the fashion that you are the most comfortable with.

While you are in my home for this short while, I want to constantly remind you that your momma, daddy and family love you so much. As they are able to, they are working on getting help so they can love you so much more then they have ever been able to before.

In this home you are free to feel. You might be sad or angry and I promise that I will do all that I can to help you express these feelings in a wholly and healthy way. We will have great days where joy and happiness are the dominant emotions. We will also have challenging days where emotions get the better of us and crying or yelling is the only form of relief we can manage. We are in this together, Little One!

It won't always be easy. But it will be what we make it. Even though I have to work, we will still have plenty of time to do things when I am home! We will go for walks, and hikes. We will visit the beach and the park. We can build forts out of sheets and chairs and sofas and play pretend. We can read bed time stories, and do each others hair and nails. We can play wrestle and experiment in the kitchen and do science projects. We can play sports and ride bikes. We can visit friends and have play dates. You can be yourself -- be a child!

Love won't be lacking in this house. I have long been preparing for you. First my heart and now my home. It is only a matter of time before I embrace you in my arms. Again, these circumstances are not ideal to met, but to be in your position I want to offer you trust and confidence. I am certainly not perfect, but through God's grace I will be able to offer you something that perhaps you have never experienced.


I promise to love you with all my heart, to the best of my ability. Even when you move to be with your forever/permanent family you will be engraved in my heart. You will always be welcomed back to visit, or we can possibly schedule play dates.

I promise that you will be safe in my home, heart and arms. All that I do will be in your best interest. I want to see you happy and healthy. I, too, need to be healthy in order to give you the environment you need to thrive!

I promise to love and nurture you in such a way that I would want anyone to love and nurture my own child.

The future is bright, Sweet Child. While right now you may feel lost, scared and alone, I am praying for you. I pray that you are comforted by the Amazing Love of Father God and that negatives will be turned into positives. I pray that you feel peace in your heart. I pray that sorrow be turned into joy, and that anger is turned into calmness. I am your advocate. I pray that I can be all that you need me to be. I pray that we will have a bond that is unique and special.

I love you, Little One. We have yet to meet but you have already won my heart.

So much extra love to give,
Catherine

What's next?

This morning was my final home study.

My licensor checked every box in the "compliant" category.

One more clearance needed. Then my home study will be submitted to the state.

Prayers needed.

Cribs, Car Seat and Safety Gates ... Oh My!

The past 6 weeks has absolutely flown by. I feel I don't have much to say by way of progress. I reflect on the last several posts and am just in awe of even how much my own heart has opened up and gown in such a short window of time!

My cribs are set up and even dressed. One with yellow chevron stripes, the other with navy blue. Both have a soft blanket draped over the back rail. One has all 5 stuffed animals in it -- the ones that I bought thrifting a week and a half ago. I took the carseat out of the box to admire it. It is one of the coolest seats I have seen! It has been many years since I've encountered one and I am quite impressed at how far technology has come.

The safety gates were installed quite ingeniously, if I do say so myself. Unfortunately I didn't have a stud on both sides of the door frame, so I got creative with 1/4" pine wood paneling. I went to the local hardware store and they cut me my desired length and width pieces. After sanding down the boards, I painted them grey (the main color of the interior of my home). Then I anchored those boards across the studs at the level where the gates were to go. I proceeded to mount the gate anchors to the wall. I do swear that the hardest part of installing the gates was figuring out the instruction manual. Have you ever read one of those? I actually learned the most from youtube!

I don't feel anything super spectacular has happened this week aside from building cribs and mounting safety gates.

In all honesty, I feel I am in limbo ... waiting. I have no idea what kind of timeline I am looking at. I don't know what else I'll need. I do know that I need a "home" phone (meaning a phone that never leaves the house). I also may have to get locks for my kitchen cabinets since we keep cleaners under the sink. But maybe we will move those downstairs? I haven't really thought that far ahead. I know that I need day care. I have some places to begin, but since I don't have a timeline, I feel really awkward going "do you have openings for up to 2 children between 0-4 at a time that is in the future but unknown?? Can you hold those spots?" I will wait to know a bit more information before I go and do that. Unless I learn that that is what I am suppose to do?

This past weekend I sent a message to a fellow blogging Foster Mom. I have never met her and I really don't know much about her. But I do know that she has an amazing heart and a huge passion for children. She is probably the main inspiration behind me starting my own blog. She writes with such honesty and such emotion. Her page is the one that I share all over my facebook with captions such as "YES!" or "If only these words were mine" and "THIS. This right here." I read her posts and her stories and it gives me hope. It helps define my mission and purpose of going into this. She doesn't hide behind an image of "super human." She doesn't only share the good days. She doesn't just write about the bad either. She shares her heart in that moment. She writes about the journey. She writes about loving it and why she does it. She shares her concerns and her doubts and the wondering if she's cut out for it.

Again I quote my most recent favorite movie:

"Just the fact that you're even
asking yourself the question...

  
pretty much proves
you're qualified."

 To have the courage to ask the question. Not to others and not for others approval. But to ask yourself what is your greatest passion. To ask yourself what you can do to change the world. To ask yourself what you are doing now that advances and furthers God's kingdom here on earth. To have the courage to step up and step out and do something radical. To do something so outside the realm of what everyone else is doing. And not do it for anyone else, but for you and God. Because the majority of the people I know, myself included ... find so much strength in stepping outside of their comfort zone and doing something "for the least of them."

Not everyone is called to do Foster Care. But those who are need to step up and do it. Not everyone is called to go into a certain profession. Not everyone is called to do this or do that. But if God has called you to it, I encourage you to step outside of your comfort zone. I dare you to step into something far greater than you can ever imagine! For some of you .. you already are.

And what this looks like, it comes in so many shapes and sizes! I am in awe of the love and support and encouragement that I have received from my friends and family and even strangers. I am amazed at how God has been moving mountains to make this dream become a reality.

God is so much bigger than our fears and our doubts. He loves us so much more than we can possibly comprehend. I sit in surrender that my God loves me so much that He uses me, despite my brokenness, despite my imperfections, despite my flaws, he uses me to further His kingdom.

The church is so much bigger than just the four walls we worship in every Sunday. Don't get me wrong, Sunday (or Saturday) worship is very important too. But it much go beyond just an hour on Sundays. Let it pour out, overflow into every area of your life.

I am just one person. But I know who's I am and I know that I was created for a time such as this.


 "...Since God assured us, 'I'll never let you down, never walk off and leave you.'" Hebrews 13:5 (The Message)

It's Like Christmas!

It's like Christmas at my house. Except maybe for the fact that I know what presents I am getting. Perhaps not because the gifts don't come wrapped, but rather in cardboard boxes with the picture posted on the side. Then there is the fact that I have purchased the said "presents." So ... is it really Christmas after all?

For the lives of the little ones I pray to bless ... it is a resounding, "YES!"


Boxes. Boxes. More boxes. Waiting for me when I get home. Piling up quickly in the Nursery. In the trunk of my car. In the dining room. Waiting in the backs of UPS and FedEx trucks.


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Today the cribs came. Yesterday my sisters came bearing a highchair and some gates. On Friday the car seat was delivered. I also went thrift shopping for some stuffed animals, a few outfits of different colors and sizes as well as some puzzle type toys. On Wednesday I purcahsed up the crib mattresses.

As far as I know, everything is ordered that I need for my final home study. Just the waiting game for it all now. According to the package tracking pages, I have some things coming tomorrow, some Wednesday, more Friday and the last of it scheduled for Saturday!


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After this week of packages, my biggest needs will be toys and entertainment for 0-4 year olds. This will be the first time I've had a little in my home for more than just a visit. When I've had visitors, moms have brought toys to keep the littles entertained.

I am not necessarily starting with an infant. I don't necessarily need to start with infant things and then purchase/be gifted more as my baby grows. I have to be prepared ahead of time.

This whole "unknown" is possibly the hardest part of this journey.


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Please join me in prayer as I continue to venture forward. Until I am holding a little in my arms, I am not sure it has actually sunk in that I am doing this. The preliminary things are just about over. It has been an amazing 6 months so far (I can hardly believe I started this process almost 6 months ago!). The stacks of paper, the appointments, the phone calls, the emails, the purchases, the excitements, the support, the blogs, the reading, the preparing ... all of it and none of it can ever really prepare me for what really lies ahead.

I have had some really amazing people walk this journey with me. I have a few "mommies to be" who are expecting their own babies this spring, summer and fall and none of them have made me feel "any less than a momma" in this beautiful journey to motherhood.

The future is promising and the future is bright -- in my life and the lives of the littles that will walk through my front door and into my arms and not just my heart, but the hearts of many.


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Thanks for reading. Thank you for your love, encouragement and support!!