Still waiting. And while I wait, apparently formula companies enjoy giving me a head start that I am not quite ready for.
I came home on Friday to a box of Enfamil.
While it makes me excited, it also makes me want to be impatient and have a baby in my arms already. But I also don't want to rush anything. I also don't want to put all the hopes in getting an infant. My age range is 0 years to 4 years. It could be years or never before an infant is placed with me. It could also potentially be my first placement. Or any in between.
I don't have a preference. My heart is open to whatever the Lord has planned for me.
And if the time comes where the shelf life of the formula is waning thin, I know of a great women's and children's place close to my home. If the Littles in my home can't benefit from the cases of formula, I know where they will be put to good use and whole-heartedly appreciated.
I will continue to wait on the Lord and see where He guides me. :)
A season of waiting. And hoping. And trusting.
Monday, May 18, 2015
Monday, May 11, 2015
Gain and Loss
Loss. It is what makes foster care so hard.
Mother's Day was yesterday. I was really hoping I would have had my license in the mail by then. I am still in a season of waiting. My day will come.
I was not anticipating having children in my care this soon. I didn't want my license so that I could have children so that I would be qualified to celebrate Mom's Day.
The hardest part about foster care is the loss that comes with it. The children that enter into the children welfare system don't choose it. They don't want it. They don't anticipate or embrace waking up in a strangers house where they don't know the rules. They don't know the routine. They don't know the people or the food or the location. They don't know where mommy, daddy, grandma, papa, or sometimes even baby brother or big sister are.
They don't understand that they were living in an unhealthy situation. They don't know anything else. They have adapted to their living environment. They have taken on a role that often not even many adults take on.
--
I am not going into this to earn the "mom status." I am not going into this to fulfill a longing to be "mother."
My heart breaks for the women who long so much to be mothers, but can't be. My heart furies at the ladies who are mothers but don't embrace selflessness.
--
I might gain a child for a day, a week, a year or a lifetime. A child may gain a stable living environment, a safe shelter, a forever home. But they will experience a loss that I will never know. I will never know what it feels like to be taken from my home and lose everything I have come to know.
Too often we use adult rational and think that a child should be happy to be in a stable environment. We fail to even try to come to a place where we relate to a child and try to fathom their grief and loss. They may not understand stable and healthy. They just know what they used to have they have no longer and that what they used to do and eat and play and live has been taken away from them.
--
I want to be the momma that God has called me to. Whatever that looks like. Whenever that happens.
Mother's Day was yesterday. I was really hoping I would have had my license in the mail by then. I am still in a season of waiting. My day will come.
I was not anticipating having children in my care this soon. I didn't want my license so that I could have children so that I would be qualified to celebrate Mom's Day.
The hardest part about foster care is the loss that comes with it. The children that enter into the children welfare system don't choose it. They don't want it. They don't anticipate or embrace waking up in a strangers house where they don't know the rules. They don't know the routine. They don't know the people or the food or the location. They don't know where mommy, daddy, grandma, papa, or sometimes even baby brother or big sister are.
They don't understand that they were living in an unhealthy situation. They don't know anything else. They have adapted to their living environment. They have taken on a role that often not even many adults take on.
--
I am not going into this to earn the "mom status." I am not going into this to fulfill a longing to be "mother."
My heart breaks for the women who long so much to be mothers, but can't be. My heart furies at the ladies who are mothers but don't embrace selflessness.
--
I might gain a child for a day, a week, a year or a lifetime. A child may gain a stable living environment, a safe shelter, a forever home. But they will experience a loss that I will never know. I will never know what it feels like to be taken from my home and lose everything I have come to know.
Too often we use adult rational and think that a child should be happy to be in a stable environment. We fail to even try to come to a place where we relate to a child and try to fathom their grief and loss. They may not understand stable and healthy. They just know what they used to have they have no longer and that what they used to do and eat and play and live has been taken away from them.
--
I want to be the momma that God has called me to. Whatever that looks like. Whenever that happens.
Monday, May 4, 2015
Share your story!
I love sharing my journey with others. I love getting to share my heart and hear the journey of others.
Sometimes the journey throws curve balls. Sometimes the plan far exceeds my own dreams and visions.
Right now I'm at a place of waiting. It is outside of my control. And in God's hands. Where it has always been. The entire time. <3
Monday, April 27, 2015
I have a little puppy
For the past year, I have had the privilege of being "mommy" to a little Maltipoo pup. She loves her bones, treats, running around outdoors (especially collecting leaves!!), snuggles, fetch, and just being with people.
A bond between dog and man is quite a phenomenal thing. My puppy knows when to expect me home. She is waiting by my door when I come home. She knows when my dad is coming home. She waits at the top of the stairs, or on the couch watching diligently. She can sit, stay, and shake. She loves getting and receiving kisses. Belly rubs and scratches behind the ears are some of her favorites.
She doesn't like her crate at all. She needs it for car rides, so ultimately she isn't a huge fan of car rides. She doesn't like sleeping anywhere besides next to her owners. The piano, she either loves or hates. I can't tell what her howling means yet. Baths ... she isn't a fan of those at all.
One of my favorite things about my "baby squidgey" is the bond she has with my "baby squeezy" aka "baby sister."
I have a little sister and the bond the two of them share is unbreakable. My sisters have had a year of practice as this whole "aunt" thing because baby puppy is "baby niece." I often tell my puppy "Let's go up to the aunties' house!"
Mona. Mona is my baby squidgey's "Real name" but we don't often use it. My little sister is just learning how to say 2 syllable words. Mona has been called "Momo" and most recently, what melts my heart, is the little voice saying "No-ma."
My puppy is so patient with little hands. She will sit and "be rocked" on the couch watching movies. She will be wrapped in a blanket and be carried around. She has too often been picked up upside down and carried.
She is so patient. She never bits, nips, or scratches the youngsters she is around.
I remember when they first met. There was jumping, and kicking, and then not wanting to a thing to do with each other. It has been incredible watching their bond strengthen. The squeal of "MONA!" when the pup goes running through the door and into the hands of the baby sister is quite a testimony.
I am really excited to see the bond baby puppy will form with the littles who will inhabit her territory. There is a little bit of hesitation as I know small dogs and children aren't an ideal mix. With careful supervision, and clear boundaries, as well as some time and patience, I am sure "No-ma" will win the hearts of many and bring a comfort that no man can offer.
A bond between dog and man is quite a phenomenal thing. My puppy knows when to expect me home. She is waiting by my door when I come home. She knows when my dad is coming home. She waits at the top of the stairs, or on the couch watching diligently. She can sit, stay, and shake. She loves getting and receiving kisses. Belly rubs and scratches behind the ears are some of her favorites.
She doesn't like her crate at all. She needs it for car rides, so ultimately she isn't a huge fan of car rides. She doesn't like sleeping anywhere besides next to her owners. The piano, she either loves or hates. I can't tell what her howling means yet. Baths ... she isn't a fan of those at all.
One of my favorite things about my "baby squidgey" is the bond she has with my "baby squeezy" aka "baby sister."
I have a little sister and the bond the two of them share is unbreakable. My sisters have had a year of practice as this whole "aunt" thing because baby puppy is "baby niece." I often tell my puppy "Let's go up to the aunties' house!"
Mona. Mona is my baby squidgey's "Real name" but we don't often use it. My little sister is just learning how to say 2 syllable words. Mona has been called "Momo" and most recently, what melts my heart, is the little voice saying "No-ma."
My puppy is so patient with little hands. She will sit and "be rocked" on the couch watching movies. She will be wrapped in a blanket and be carried around. She has too often been picked up upside down and carried.
She is so patient. She never bits, nips, or scratches the youngsters she is around.
I remember when they first met. There was jumping, and kicking, and then not wanting to a thing to do with each other. It has been incredible watching their bond strengthen. The squeal of "MONA!" when the pup goes running through the door and into the hands of the baby sister is quite a testimony.
I am really excited to see the bond baby puppy will form with the littles who will inhabit her territory. There is a little bit of hesitation as I know small dogs and children aren't an ideal mix. With careful supervision, and clear boundaries, as well as some time and patience, I am sure "No-ma" will win the hearts of many and bring a comfort that no man can offer.
Monday, April 20, 2015
A Picture Post
 |
| The mountain of paperwork; only part of the whole |
 |
| The Nursery painted |
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| Convertible Crib as a Toddler Bed |
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| Crib as Toddler Bed |
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| Two Cribs; One Toddler Bed, one as infant Crib |
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| Only the coolest Car Seat I have ever seen |
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| 4 pack of flannel receiving blankets |
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| 2 pack of print receiving blankets |
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| Dressed Toddler Bed with stuffed animals and Blanket |
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| Dressed Crib with Blanket |
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| Nursery Set Up with Floor Mat |
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| End of Crib Quit |
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| "Welcome to the Sisterhood of Motherhood" -- what really helped make this journey feel more real |
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| Sampler of Formula |
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| Assortment of Blankets, clothes, hangers, puzzles, crib sheets and toys |
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| More blankets and some 0-3 month baby boy clothes I've had for years |
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| Crib with smaller stuffed toys and cloth books |
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| Child chair and ottoman generously donated by my cousin |
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| Gotta keep the car Seat Fresh! |
Monday, April 13, 2015
His Way in All Things
Sometimes this journey just feels so surreal. Sometimes I think I am dreaming.
This journey has been in the Hands of God since before it was even a thought in my head.
So often, I wonder ... why can't every other area of my life be in such submission and surrender to God's will like this one? So often I try to take the reins of life and try to steer and dictate the course or the outcome.
So often I find myself struggling with a broken heart or weeping because I feel I just can't move forward.
How come I can't be content? How come I can't see the bigger picture? How come I can't "Let go, and let God?" Why must I have the upperhand and why must I know the outcome before taking any action?
This journey has taught me so much just in the past few months. When I first embarked on this journey, I sent a dear friend a text message along the lines of "I feel I am right on the edge of something beautiful and something nerve-wracking. Like I am on the edge of the water. It is scary, but is is so peaceful! I want to feel like this all the time! I want God to direct my life as clearly as He is this part!"
Why is it that I so often forget that when I do let God takes the reigns, peace immediately follows? He wants to so much direct every area of my life. Why do I think too often that I can be my own strength and my own protector? His plan and His will is far superior than I could ever possibly think up.
If it weren't for God, this journey from one to more would not even be possible. I have those moments when I find myself on my knees in a joyful thanksgiving with tears pouring down my face with the praise "Thank you, Lord, for not giving me what I wanted so desperately!"
I reflect on so many areas of my life. I just sit and shake my head. But I also lift my hands.
I needed those moments. I needed the tears. I needed the pain. It wasn't needed in the grand scheme of things, but I needed them to get to where I am. Those moments grew me. Those moments defined me. Those moments taught me and often remind(ed) me that I belong to my Heavenly Father.
One of the greatest things I have learned is that it is ok to be human. It is ok to make mistakes and learn from them. I have learned how much my Father loves me. I have learned to trust Him and trust that His timing is far better than what I think I want.
I am done trying to take control and dictate my own life. At least I am until the next time I try, only to be taken into my Abba's loving embrace and reminded that His ways are far better than my own ways.
The biggest theme the past many months has been "wait" which ultimately equals patience.
This is a season of growing, a season of planting, a season of waiting. My heart is open to the newness God has in store for me.
One of the first Bible passages I memorized was Psalm 51:10. "Create in me a pure heart, O God; and renew a steadfast spirit within me." I want a pure heart. I want all I do to spring forth from not only good intentions, but rather from Spirit breathed dreams and God-spoken promises.
I want to walk with the Giants and conquer mighty things for God's kingdom!
I want to raise Giants. I want to inspire these children who may struggle with finding their place in this world, that there is a bigger picture. There is a reason to live, to hope and to dream.
We all have a purpose. We all have a calling. We are called to be world changes and called to share the Gospel and spread the Love of Christ everywhere we go.
What does your calling look like? I know mine.
This journey has been in the Hands of God since before it was even a thought in my head.
So often, I wonder ... why can't every other area of my life be in such submission and surrender to God's will like this one? So often I try to take the reins of life and try to steer and dictate the course or the outcome.
So often I find myself struggling with a broken heart or weeping because I feel I just can't move forward.
How come I can't be content? How come I can't see the bigger picture? How come I can't "Let go, and let God?" Why must I have the upperhand and why must I know the outcome before taking any action?
This journey has taught me so much just in the past few months. When I first embarked on this journey, I sent a dear friend a text message along the lines of "I feel I am right on the edge of something beautiful and something nerve-wracking. Like I am on the edge of the water. It is scary, but is is so peaceful! I want to feel like this all the time! I want God to direct my life as clearly as He is this part!"
Why is it that I so often forget that when I do let God takes the reigns, peace immediately follows? He wants to so much direct every area of my life. Why do I think too often that I can be my own strength and my own protector? His plan and His will is far superior than I could ever possibly think up.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:8-9
If it weren't for God, this journey from one to more would not even be possible. I have those moments when I find myself on my knees in a joyful thanksgiving with tears pouring down my face with the praise "Thank you, Lord, for not giving me what I wanted so desperately!"
I reflect on so many areas of my life. I just sit and shake my head. But I also lift my hands.
I needed those moments. I needed the tears. I needed the pain. It wasn't needed in the grand scheme of things, but I needed them to get to where I am. Those moments grew me. Those moments defined me. Those moments taught me and often remind(ed) me that I belong to my Heavenly Father.
One of the greatest things I have learned is that it is ok to be human. It is ok to make mistakes and learn from them. I have learned how much my Father loves me. I have learned to trust Him and trust that His timing is far better than what I think I want.
I am done trying to take control and dictate my own life. At least I am until the next time I try, only to be taken into my Abba's loving embrace and reminded that His ways are far better than my own ways.
The biggest theme the past many months has been "wait" which ultimately equals patience.
This is a season of growing, a season of planting, a season of waiting. My heart is open to the newness God has in store for me.
One of the first Bible passages I memorized was Psalm 51:10. "Create in me a pure heart, O God; and renew a steadfast spirit within me." I want a pure heart. I want all I do to spring forth from not only good intentions, but rather from Spirit breathed dreams and God-spoken promises.
I want to walk with the Giants and conquer mighty things for God's kingdom!
I want to raise Giants. I want to inspire these children who may struggle with finding their place in this world, that there is a bigger picture. There is a reason to live, to hope and to dream.
We all have a purpose. We all have a calling. We are called to be world changes and called to share the Gospel and spread the Love of Christ everywhere we go.
What does your calling look like? I know mine.
Monday, April 6, 2015
"Yes"
Sometimes saying yes to one thing means saying no to another.
Being a parent requires one to be selfless and make sacrifices.
Just because I might want one thing, I ultimately need to protect these babies.
They come from a hard enough background as it is. I don't need to bring them into a life that they just left. On any level.
-----
Welcome to the waiting game. I was asked last week if my licensor had permission to submit my home study to the state as soon as he had his supervisors approval.
I said yes!!
"I said yes!" Funny how that phrase is said at this season in life. That is a phrase I though would have only been filled with such excitement and enthusiasm only after the love of my life proposed marriage (and just for the record, I am single).
I had to literally refrain from texting all my friends "I SAID YES! to my homestudy being submitted to the state!"
-----
So I have no idea when it was or will be submitted. So I wait.
-----
So many thoughts through my head. Am I ready? Can I do this? What lies ahead? What daycare will I use? How do I find a day care? What if I want a weekend away or out of town or to go camping?
My life is about to change in such a beautiful way.
Being a parent requires one to be selfless and make sacrifices.
Just because I might want one thing, I ultimately need to protect these babies.
They come from a hard enough background as it is. I don't need to bring them into a life that they just left. On any level.
-----
Welcome to the waiting game. I was asked last week if my licensor had permission to submit my home study to the state as soon as he had his supervisors approval.
I said yes!!
"I said yes!" Funny how that phrase is said at this season in life. That is a phrase I though would have only been filled with such excitement and enthusiasm only after the love of my life proposed marriage (and just for the record, I am single).
I had to literally refrain from texting all my friends "I SAID YES! to my homestudy being submitted to the state!"
-----
So I have no idea when it was or will be submitted. So I wait.
-----
So many thoughts through my head. Am I ready? Can I do this? What lies ahead? What daycare will I use? How do I find a day care? What if I want a weekend away or out of town or to go camping?
My life is about to change in such a beautiful way.
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