Well intentioned. I know the words are meant in good will.
I read the blogs. I heard the stories. I experienced it on a small scale.
The questions. The comments. The inquiries.
Bear with me as I write this on too little of sleep, and now I sip coffee hoping it kicks in so I can prepare for a very productive day.
--
No, I cannot talk about why my baby was removed from care. And why do you want to know anyways? Are you trying to make conversation? I am not sure. Are you interested for the sake of the child? This child has been in my care for 27 days now and I still do not know why she is in my care versus the care of a relative. I asked once, but I didn't want to know the answer. I have not asked again.
Will knowing this baby's past and the brokenness of her parents make me love her any more? Any less? Will I compare myself to them and say "at least I am not doing that!" Will you compare me to them or them to me? I am no saint.
Given their life story ... would I have made different choices? Maybe, but maybe not.
--
"I bet you are going to be heartbroken when she goes home." STOP. Just stop right there. And do not speak that into my life. I am not there yet. I am not sure how I am going to embrace and adjust to the new normal. My heart broke the moment I got the call "we have a baby girl ... can you take her?" My heart breaks every moment when she has a family visit and comes back home to me. My heart breaks every time she looks at me and babbles "Mamamamama." My heart breaks every new milestone. My heart breaks every bottle drank and every jar of baby food finished. My heart breaks for her birth momma that gets to visit her only a few short hours a week.
So will I be heartbroken when she goes home? I don't know. I know that I'll miss the heck out of her! I know that it will be different. I know that it will take some time to adjust to being single and childless again. But I will rejoice that she is well and that I did good by her. I will rejoice because I am and at that time, did, LOVE her with all I had. I will rejoice because God chose me to shepherd her for this time. I will rejoice because I am the one that got to experience her first time crawling and her first time pulling herself up to standing. I will rejoice because I got to be the one to read her bedtime stories, and take her for walks and bond with her at such a tender stage. I will rejoice because she is touching SO many lives.
--
Being a foster mom certainly has it challenges. Working at the state level ... no elaboration necessary. The baby came with so many clothes a few sizes too small. But she also came to me on the hottest week of the summer and she came with enough food that lasted the first 2 weeks. Everyone has strengths and everyone has weaknesses. While there were clearly reasons she was removed (remember .. I don't know why), she certainly wasn't removed for lack of nutrition from what I can gather.
I've had to buy the baby clothes for fall and winter. I had to buy the baby pacifiers (ps .. clear pacifiers are awful!!) because she came with none. I had to buy the baby bottles because she came with 2 but one of them leaked at least 1 out of 4 ounces all over her, and the other one ... I use that for family visits.
--
Being a foster mom is so rewarding. I love the baby snuggles and the smiles. I love that this beautiful, perfect little girl looks to me as care provider. The bond we share is indescribable. She trusts me. She knows that I care about her.
She is such a sweetheart and has won over many hearts already.
--
Life. I speak truth, life, light and joy into this wee one's life. I rebuke the strongholds others throw at her. I rebuke the judgments and stereotypes. She is fearfully and wonderfully made. With so much happening in the media centering abortion and planned parenthood ... I REJOICE that her momma chose life. If it means I get many sleepless nights, if it means that I spend twice as much on gas in my vehicle a month because of the detours for sitters, appointments and daycare ... so be it. I'll go to the moon and back for my baby girl.
--
Her Case Worker is phenomenal! She cares so much for this baby. Their bond is indestructible. The love they have for each other is special. The Case Worker wants what is best for this baby and I am so honored to be sitting in and observing this.
--
If you are reading this and see me regularly ... please don't stereotype my baby. Do not attach foster to her name. Do not think poorly of her parents. There are countless reasons for children to be in the system. They do not belong there. Sometimes they are there for specific and good reasons. Other times it has to do with false accusations or a simple mistake. Please join me in loving this sweet girl for a time, and then loving all the other children that enter under my roof.
--
My house is a Safe Haven. God promised me that World changers will be brought up here. I look forward to seeing the paths my babies will take as they grow up. I look forward to the testimonies. I am so excited to see how God will use me and work through me and the kidlets that I will care for. For a season, short-term or long, I will never stop loving the least of them. Let the little Children come to Him. If I can provide a safe, loving and nurturing home that allows for God to be known and heard ...
I don't know my full mission. I can't even begin to imagine why God called me to this. Especially in this season. Why am I a single, mid-20s lady, living with my dad foster Momma? Why now? Why not when I am married? Why not when I am older? Why not when I have my own place? These aren't really questions. I don't actually want to know the answers. I want to walk in this journey, allowing God to direct my paths. I want to follow His calling and listen to his subtle voice.
I know whose I am.
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Thursday, September 24, 2015
Small update
I can hardly believe that today is day 21. Three whole weeks have nearly passed.
At least now we have somewhat of a timeline to establish some permanency. I'll have Tug Boat at least until the next case review date in December. Less then that if there is a significant development in the case. Longer than that, if deemed appropriate.
Baby has been crawling and making it across the living room. She has a favorite blanket. Naps aren't our favorite times of day, but we have bedtime down like a pro.
She has visits 3 days a week, and it is on those days where I feel a little territorial and have that eye opening experience that she is not my baby. She has a momma and a daddy. She has family.
I have her now. I don't know why. I don't know her story of removal. I don't know the whys. I actually don't think I want to know the whys.
Often I think back to the terribly long process of getting licensed and I think that it needed to happen that way. Had I been licensed sooner, who knows if I would have this baby.
God's timing is the best timing. I learn this over and over again.
Even when it comes to day care. I had one all lined up and I wasn't too keen on leaving my baby in her care, so everything kind of fell through. Then I found Mrs. Dottie. I love her. She does well with my baby. Today is only day 2, but I have a feeling that my baby girl is in good hands ... the hands God intended her to be in while I work.
Day care prices are steep, but I trust in God. Not sure how everything is going to fall into place, but God has been ever present throughout the entire journey, He is not about to leave me now!
At least now we have somewhat of a timeline to establish some permanency. I'll have Tug Boat at least until the next case review date in December. Less then that if there is a significant development in the case. Longer than that, if deemed appropriate.
Baby has been crawling and making it across the living room. She has a favorite blanket. Naps aren't our favorite times of day, but we have bedtime down like a pro.
She has visits 3 days a week, and it is on those days where I feel a little territorial and have that eye opening experience that she is not my baby. She has a momma and a daddy. She has family.
I have her now. I don't know why. I don't know her story of removal. I don't know the whys. I actually don't think I want to know the whys.
Often I think back to the terribly long process of getting licensed and I think that it needed to happen that way. Had I been licensed sooner, who knows if I would have this baby.
God's timing is the best timing. I learn this over and over again.
Even when it comes to day care. I had one all lined up and I wasn't too keen on leaving my baby in her care, so everything kind of fell through. Then I found Mrs. Dottie. I love her. She does well with my baby. Today is only day 2, but I have a feeling that my baby girl is in good hands ... the hands God intended her to be in while I work.
Day care prices are steep, but I trust in God. Not sure how everything is going to fall into place, but God has been ever present throughout the entire journey, He is not about to leave me now!
Thursday, September 10, 2015
162 Hours Later
It has been 162 hours since I picked up my first placement.
It was love at first sight.
As I sit here, I am trying to think back 168 hours ago ... what was I doing? What was I thinking? I hadn't even gotten the call yet. I was making plans. I was planning that night and the errands I was going to run, and the things that I was going to do. When with 1 phone call ... my life changed forever.
~~
This beautiful baby has given me the title of mom. I have no idea how long she will be in my care. Possibly today she'll be moved. Not likely, I am told. But in foster care ... anything can happen at anytime.
Cases can be set for reunification for 15 months, then all of a sudden parents rights are terminated. The goal might be for parent's rights to be terminated, when there is a court hearing and the kids are ordered home that night.
~~
Being a Foster Parent is risky. My heart is on the line. When I agreed to take a placement, it was pretty much setting my heart up to be broken.
Within 20 minutes I was smitten with a little angel that captivated my heart.
~~
The first evening was wonderful. She was so happy! She laughed, and slept and I tried to offer her a bottle, but she really wasn't all that interested.
We got home really late, but I knew that was going to happen. I knew we were in for a long night. I tried to put her down at 10:30 after her bath, but she was not for that at all. We tried to rock in the chair, but she was so fascinated by my puppy that sleep was not happening. Knowing that I had the following day off, but had appointments scheduled, I was ok that it was now going on 11:15.
Finally I pulled out the Ergobaby, placed her in it, and within 10 minutes she was out. I laid her in bed, and she was up 4 times between midnight and 6am. It was a long night.
We ran our errands and made it on time to our appointments on Friday. Only 24 hours had passed, and I was trying to get baby on schedule as she had never been on one before.
The weekend was really good. I went to church with my mom and 2 little sisters on Saturday. My cousin brought me dinner and visited. Then I went to my friends church on Sunday and did introductions. We hung out with some really awesome momma's and their little men that afternoon. On Monday, the holiday, I went to my moms and literally spent sun up to sundown there. I wanted my baby to know she could trust being there because she would be up there everyday this week until I put her in daycare.
I did find a daycare and she will go there 3 days a week starting next week.
The driving back and forth and trying to make everything happen at once has been the most draining.
After that first night, baby slept the entire night without getting up once. Then every night since she has only gotten up once during the night ... though last night she was up at 3am only needing her back rubbed and she went right back to sleep ... sleeping the majority of 9p to 8a.
~~
What a roller coaster of a first week it has been. There is nothing that I would change about it. Transitions suck, but baby is settling in and getting comfortable. She is starting to recognize the routine, too. She hates being put down, or when I walk out of the room. But she is a doll and she will be mine as long as I am called to have her. :)
It was love at first sight.
As I sit here, I am trying to think back 168 hours ago ... what was I doing? What was I thinking? I hadn't even gotten the call yet. I was making plans. I was planning that night and the errands I was going to run, and the things that I was going to do. When with 1 phone call ... my life changed forever.
~~
This beautiful baby has given me the title of mom. I have no idea how long she will be in my care. Possibly today she'll be moved. Not likely, I am told. But in foster care ... anything can happen at anytime.
Cases can be set for reunification for 15 months, then all of a sudden parents rights are terminated. The goal might be for parent's rights to be terminated, when there is a court hearing and the kids are ordered home that night.
~~
Being a Foster Parent is risky. My heart is on the line. When I agreed to take a placement, it was pretty much setting my heart up to be broken.
Within 20 minutes I was smitten with a little angel that captivated my heart.
~~
The first evening was wonderful. She was so happy! She laughed, and slept and I tried to offer her a bottle, but she really wasn't all that interested.
We got home really late, but I knew that was going to happen. I knew we were in for a long night. I tried to put her down at 10:30 after her bath, but she was not for that at all. We tried to rock in the chair, but she was so fascinated by my puppy that sleep was not happening. Knowing that I had the following day off, but had appointments scheduled, I was ok that it was now going on 11:15.
Finally I pulled out the Ergobaby, placed her in it, and within 10 minutes she was out. I laid her in bed, and she was up 4 times between midnight and 6am. It was a long night.
We ran our errands and made it on time to our appointments on Friday. Only 24 hours had passed, and I was trying to get baby on schedule as she had never been on one before.
The weekend was really good. I went to church with my mom and 2 little sisters on Saturday. My cousin brought me dinner and visited. Then I went to my friends church on Sunday and did introductions. We hung out with some really awesome momma's and their little men that afternoon. On Monday, the holiday, I went to my moms and literally spent sun up to sundown there. I wanted my baby to know she could trust being there because she would be up there everyday this week until I put her in daycare.
I did find a daycare and she will go there 3 days a week starting next week.
The driving back and forth and trying to make everything happen at once has been the most draining.
After that first night, baby slept the entire night without getting up once. Then every night since she has only gotten up once during the night ... though last night she was up at 3am only needing her back rubbed and she went right back to sleep ... sleeping the majority of 9p to 8a.
~~
What a roller coaster of a first week it has been. There is nothing that I would change about it. Transitions suck, but baby is settling in and getting comfortable. She is starting to recognize the routine, too. She hates being put down, or when I walk out of the room. But she is a doll and she will be mine as long as I am called to have her. :)
Thursday, September 3, 2015
So that's what it feels like -- getting that first call
The adrenaline rush that comes with that first call.
"We have a baby. Are you interested? Call me."
I called back not even 5 minutes past the missed call.
It is a "we might need you, but we will let you know either way."
~~
"Whatever is in the best interested of the baby" is what I said.
Everything I have been preparing for and being prepared for is coming alive before my eyes. It can all change within a moment's notice. I have been given about 2-4 hours to prepare.
~~
It has only been 1 hour. My mind is going from one thought to the next. Wondering if I have a short term baby. Wondering if I have a long term baby. Wondering if I'll even have the baby at all.
Time will tell.
God is in charge. My surrender is in His hands alone.
I am ready for Him to call me out upon the waters and we can swim, sing and dance together.
~~
I have forms prepped for people to be cleared for central registry.
~~
Soup time. I need some lunch.
~~
And not even 2 hours after getting the "can you?" call, I am mentally preparing to pick up FD8 months old after I get off work in an hour.
~~
Count down to "Mom Status" has begin.
"We have a baby. Are you interested? Call me."
I called back not even 5 minutes past the missed call.
It is a "we might need you, but we will let you know either way."
~~
"Whatever is in the best interested of the baby" is what I said.
Everything I have been preparing for and being prepared for is coming alive before my eyes. It can all change within a moment's notice. I have been given about 2-4 hours to prepare.
~~
It has only been 1 hour. My mind is going from one thought to the next. Wondering if I have a short term baby. Wondering if I have a long term baby. Wondering if I'll even have the baby at all.
Time will tell.
God is in charge. My surrender is in His hands alone.
I am ready for Him to call me out upon the waters and we can swim, sing and dance together.
~~
I have forms prepped for people to be cleared for central registry.
~~
Soup time. I need some lunch.
~~
And not even 2 hours after getting the "can you?" call, I am mentally preparing to pick up FD8 months old after I get off work in an hour.
~~
Count down to "Mom Status" has begin.
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