Well intentioned. I know the words are meant in good will.
I read the blogs. I heard the stories. I experienced it on a small scale.
The questions. The comments. The inquiries.
Bear with me as I write this on too little of sleep, and now I sip coffee hoping it kicks in so I can prepare for a very productive day.
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No, I cannot talk about why my baby was removed from care. And why do you want to know anyways? Are you trying to make conversation? I am not sure. Are you interested for the sake of the child? This child has been in my care for 27 days now and I still do not know why she is in my care versus the care of a relative. I asked once, but I didn't want to know the answer. I have not asked again.
Will knowing this baby's past and the brokenness of her parents make me love her any more? Any less? Will I compare myself to them and say "at least I am not doing that!" Will you compare me to them or them to me? I am no saint.
Given their life story ... would I have made different choices? Maybe, but maybe not.
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"I bet you are going to be heartbroken when she goes home." STOP. Just stop right there. And do not speak that into my life. I am not there yet. I am not sure how I am going to embrace and adjust to the new normal. My heart broke the moment I got the call "we have a baby girl ... can you take her?" My heart breaks every moment when she has a family visit and comes back home to me. My heart breaks every time she looks at me and babbles "Mamamamama." My heart breaks every new milestone. My heart breaks every bottle drank and every jar of baby food finished. My heart breaks for her birth momma that gets to visit her only a few short hours a week.
So will I be heartbroken when she goes home? I don't know. I know that I'll miss the heck out of her! I know that it will be different. I know that it will take some time to adjust to being single and childless again. But I will rejoice that she is well and that I did good by her. I will rejoice because I am and at that time, did, LOVE her with all I had. I will rejoice because God chose me to shepherd her for this time. I will rejoice because I am the one that got to experience her first time crawling and her first time pulling herself up to standing. I will rejoice because I got to be the one to read her bedtime stories, and take her for walks and bond with her at such a tender stage. I will rejoice because she is touching SO many lives.
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Being a foster mom certainly has it challenges. Working at the state level ... no elaboration necessary. The baby came with so many clothes a few sizes too small. But she also came to me on the hottest week of the summer and she came with enough food that lasted the first 2 weeks. Everyone has strengths and everyone has weaknesses. While there were clearly reasons she was removed (remember .. I don't know why), she certainly wasn't removed for lack of nutrition from what I can gather.
I've had to buy the baby clothes for fall and winter. I had to buy the baby pacifiers (ps .. clear pacifiers are awful!!) because she came with none. I had to buy the baby bottles because she came with 2 but one of them leaked at least 1 out of 4 ounces all over her, and the other one ... I use that for family visits.
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Being a foster mom is so rewarding. I love the baby snuggles and the smiles. I love that this beautiful, perfect little girl looks to me as care provider. The bond we share is indescribable. She trusts me. She knows that I care about her.
She is such a sweetheart and has won over many hearts already.
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Life. I speak truth, life, light and joy into this wee one's life. I rebuke the strongholds others throw at her. I rebuke the judgments and stereotypes. She is fearfully and wonderfully made. With so much happening in the media centering abortion and planned parenthood ... I REJOICE that her momma chose life. If it means I get many sleepless nights, if it means that I spend twice as much on gas in my vehicle a month because of the detours for sitters, appointments and daycare ... so be it. I'll go to the moon and back for my baby girl.
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Her Case Worker is phenomenal! She cares so much for this baby. Their bond is indestructible. The love they have for each other is special. The Case Worker wants what is best for this baby and I am so honored to be sitting in and observing this.
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If you are reading this and see me regularly ... please don't stereotype my baby. Do not attach foster to her name. Do not think poorly of her parents. There are countless reasons for children to be in the system. They do not belong there. Sometimes they are there for specific and good reasons. Other times it has to do with false accusations or a simple mistake. Please join me in loving this sweet girl for a time, and then loving all the other children that enter under my roof.
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My house is a Safe Haven. God promised me that World changers will be brought up here. I look forward to seeing the paths my babies will take as they grow up. I look forward to the testimonies. I am so excited to see how God will use me and work through me and the kidlets that I will care for. For a season, short-term or long, I will never stop loving the least of them. Let the little Children come to Him. If I can provide a safe, loving and nurturing home that allows for God to be known and heard ...
I don't know my full mission. I can't even begin to imagine why God called me to this. Especially in this season. Why am I a single, mid-20s lady, living with my dad foster Momma? Why now? Why not when I am married? Why not when I am older? Why not when I have my own place? These aren't really questions. I don't actually want to know the answers. I want to walk in this journey, allowing God to direct my paths. I want to follow His calling and listen to his subtle voice.
I know whose I am.
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