Amazed. Encouraged. In awe. Emotions. Time stands still, yet goes by too fast.
Foster Care and all the glories that come with it.
Too often words aren't even enough. How can I possibly be so eloquent with my words when the whole basis behind foster care is such a heartache and mess? How can I not love the littles in my home? How can I part with them? How can I work with their parents and the case worker and every other person in their short little lives towards a common goal of reunification?
To be called on this journey is something that I have no answer as to why. To be called, to be chosen, to be hand picked to lay my heart on the line and let the Love of God flow in me and through me.
I am honored. I am humbled. I just sit, stand and kneel is complete awe and amazement. I laugh and giggle. I am filled with such joy.
Sometimes I feel guilty for expressing how much I love being a mom. Especially given these circumstance. I was talking with a neighbor this past weekend, and I said "Oh, I am only a Foster Mom." She stopped me right there and said "Not ONLY, you ARE her Foster Mom! There is not only. You are."
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Too often I find myself living under a stereotype that no one has given me aside from myself. I have very few people in my life that give me a hard time, or speak these things into my life. Sometimes it feels like the negative is overpowering, but in all actuality, LIGHT WINS.
The past 6 weeks have been filled with self-talk and negative, shameful and doubting phrases. I have walked surrounded by a dark cloud that doesn't actually exist. Because I made it exist in my mind, I believed it.
It wasn't until I was talking with a coworker and able to put words to it, that I realized what I was doing and how I was living.
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There is no shame in being a Foster Mom/Parent. There should never be, and shame on anyone who shames a Foster Parent.
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Who really cares what the world thinks? I only care what my Father in Heaven says of me.
I fell into the pit of caring what other people say about me. I feel into a negative way of thinking based on what others were saying to preserve their own self image. I fell into shame and guilt because I was worrying that the world was going to lash out at me.
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God is so gentle though. He spoke to my heart and He reaffirmed who I am. He spoke truth into my very soul and spirit and mind. He spoke peace and joy back into my life. He spoke identity and life.
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The world is going to do what the world wants to do. The world may reject Father God, but I won't. He has called me to where I am, and I am going to walk in this journey and walk in the fullness of life.
God is so much bigger than anything the world throws at me. God is so much bigger than any trial I face in this life.
With all that being said, I lift my head high, and I surrender everything ... I give my all to the One that Gave His All.
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Thursday, October 8, 2015
In the Middle of the Night
"A Baby changes everything" is what I have heard and how the song goes.
Welcoming a baby into my heart and my home has been very different than what I envisioned. All at the same time, I don't think I really envisioned what it would be like.
This whole foster care journey has been surrendered to God from the beginning. Yes, there were definitely moments when I tried to take hold of the reigns, but God gently reassured me that He has got this. And got it, He does!
Last night from 2-3:30am I had a wide awake baby. She was crying her scared cry. I am not sure what had her so worked up, but I tried to give her the pacifier, I tried laying her down, I tried patting her back, I tried holding her. She was inconsolable. Finally I took her favorite blanket and I swaddled her. She does not like being swaddled, or at least she hasn't yet, but last night I wrapped her up like a little burrito and I took her downstairs and we sat in the living room and rocked. She was wide eyed and aware of her surroundings. She finally started to calm down and relax, but every time I moved her, or tried to stand up, the crying continued.
I finally put her back in bed because an hour had passed, and I was at a loss what to do. She was no falling back asleep, she was not relaxing. She cried for a little while (it was her "I am mad you are not holding me right now" cry) and I went back into my bed and prayed that God and His angels would surround her and love on her. I prayed that the spirit of fear would leave.
My heart broke. I felt so selfish. I was exhausted. So badly I wanted to just hold her and never let her go. Yet at the same time I was frustrated. I was upset that this happens every.single.Wednesday into Thursday. I just wanted her to sleep. I just wanted to sleep. I always think about turning off the baby monitor so that I can get some sleep. Then I think that I am cold and heartless. I do miss sleeping through the night and not having to get up earlier than usual to make sure the baby gets dropped off at the sitters so that I can make it to work on time.
So many feels. So many thoughts. It is only a moment, a blink, when I'll wake up after sleeping through the night and the baby will be gone. She will be back home. And if that isn't her story, one day not too far from now, I'll wake up and she will be grown. She won't need me rocking her back to sleep. She won't need me holding her and cuddling in the wee hours of the morning, just the two of us as the rest of the world sleeps. I won't be holding her on my lap, trying to nap as I try to get her to go back to sleep.
It goes both ways. There is always give and take. It won't ever be a win-win. I want her to sleep through the night, but I want her to know she can rely on me.
She already has enough unknowns and uncertainties in her life. She doesn't need more.
I got a good nights rest last night. I slept well again from 3:30ish to 6 once the baby had calmed down and drifted off to sleep. I made it to the daycare nearly on time. Only 3 minutes late instead of the 10-15 that I usually am.
Snuggling with my munchkin is the best. She is growing up way too fast already. She likes to be down and getting into things where as just 5 short weeks ago she wanted nothing but to be held.
While I still wish she wanted to be held a little more than she does now, and while I wished that she had wanted to be put down a little more then, I am so thankful that I got in as many baby snuggles as I could soak up the past 5 weeks. I am thankful I worked to get the baby on a schedule. I am thankful that she is gaining confidence and independence and that she can self soothe more now then she was able to when she first entered into my home.
She sits like a champ. She crawls like a pro. She is pulling herself up and getting adventurous!
I love her with my whole heart. I love her with every ounce of my being.
She is my world and she has changed me for the better.
Welcoming a baby into my heart and my home has been very different than what I envisioned. All at the same time, I don't think I really envisioned what it would be like.
This whole foster care journey has been surrendered to God from the beginning. Yes, there were definitely moments when I tried to take hold of the reigns, but God gently reassured me that He has got this. And got it, He does!
Last night from 2-3:30am I had a wide awake baby. She was crying her scared cry. I am not sure what had her so worked up, but I tried to give her the pacifier, I tried laying her down, I tried patting her back, I tried holding her. She was inconsolable. Finally I took her favorite blanket and I swaddled her. She does not like being swaddled, or at least she hasn't yet, but last night I wrapped her up like a little burrito and I took her downstairs and we sat in the living room and rocked. She was wide eyed and aware of her surroundings. She finally started to calm down and relax, but every time I moved her, or tried to stand up, the crying continued.
I finally put her back in bed because an hour had passed, and I was at a loss what to do. She was no falling back asleep, she was not relaxing. She cried for a little while (it was her "I am mad you are not holding me right now" cry) and I went back into my bed and prayed that God and His angels would surround her and love on her. I prayed that the spirit of fear would leave.
My heart broke. I felt so selfish. I was exhausted. So badly I wanted to just hold her and never let her go. Yet at the same time I was frustrated. I was upset that this happens every.single.Wednesday into Thursday. I just wanted her to sleep. I just wanted to sleep. I always think about turning off the baby monitor so that I can get some sleep. Then I think that I am cold and heartless. I do miss sleeping through the night and not having to get up earlier than usual to make sure the baby gets dropped off at the sitters so that I can make it to work on time.
So many feels. So many thoughts. It is only a moment, a blink, when I'll wake up after sleeping through the night and the baby will be gone. She will be back home. And if that isn't her story, one day not too far from now, I'll wake up and she will be grown. She won't need me rocking her back to sleep. She won't need me holding her and cuddling in the wee hours of the morning, just the two of us as the rest of the world sleeps. I won't be holding her on my lap, trying to nap as I try to get her to go back to sleep.
It goes both ways. There is always give and take. It won't ever be a win-win. I want her to sleep through the night, but I want her to know she can rely on me.
She already has enough unknowns and uncertainties in her life. She doesn't need more.
I got a good nights rest last night. I slept well again from 3:30ish to 6 once the baby had calmed down and drifted off to sleep. I made it to the daycare nearly on time. Only 3 minutes late instead of the 10-15 that I usually am.
Snuggling with my munchkin is the best. She is growing up way too fast already. She likes to be down and getting into things where as just 5 short weeks ago she wanted nothing but to be held.
While I still wish she wanted to be held a little more than she does now, and while I wished that she had wanted to be put down a little more then, I am so thankful that I got in as many baby snuggles as I could soak up the past 5 weeks. I am thankful I worked to get the baby on a schedule. I am thankful that she is gaining confidence and independence and that she can self soothe more now then she was able to when she first entered into my home.
She sits like a champ. She crawls like a pro. She is pulling herself up and getting adventurous!
I love her with my whole heart. I love her with every ounce of my being.
She is my world and she has changed me for the better.
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
Heaven's Delight
One of the hard things about Foster Care, and I've read about it from other Foster parents, is that the "monthiversary" or "anniversary" dates to remember are the dates the child came into care or was adopted, etc. My baby celebrated her 9 month birthday, and it also escaped me until 10 minutes before her bedtime. The 3rd is the date of importance to me. The 3rd is the day my world came to a complete stop.
One month was the 3rd. Thursdays are the weeks. 1 week .. 2 weeks .. 3 weeks .. 4 weeks .. almost 5 weeks later.
Day 34 of my first foster care placement. 34 days feels like so long while waiting for something, yet looking backwards, I think I blinked.
My 9 months old is now crawling ... crawling fast! She is determined to get to where she wants to go. She is pulling herself up along the sofa, end tables, chair, laundry baskets, carseat, and anything else she can.
Time goes by too fast when one is in love. And this is the truth.
We take it day by day with lots of love, snuggles, book reading and floor time. We go to the park and go on walks and just enjoy so much that life has to offer us in this season.
I am really excited to experience a lot of things with this munchkin. I am excited to see where life takes me and her. I am excited to pour into her life in this season!
She is a mighty warrior. She is fearfully and wonderfully made. God delights Himself in her.
One month was the 3rd. Thursdays are the weeks. 1 week .. 2 weeks .. 3 weeks .. 4 weeks .. almost 5 weeks later.
Day 34 of my first foster care placement. 34 days feels like so long while waiting for something, yet looking backwards, I think I blinked.
My 9 months old is now crawling ... crawling fast! She is determined to get to where she wants to go. She is pulling herself up along the sofa, end tables, chair, laundry baskets, carseat, and anything else she can.
Time goes by too fast when one is in love. And this is the truth.
We take it day by day with lots of love, snuggles, book reading and floor time. We go to the park and go on walks and just enjoy so much that life has to offer us in this season.
I am really excited to experience a lot of things with this munchkin. I am excited to see where life takes me and her. I am excited to pour into her life in this season!
She is a mighty warrior. She is fearfully and wonderfully made. God delights Himself in her.
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