"A Baby changes everything" is what I have heard and how the song goes.
Welcoming a baby into my heart and my home has been very different than what I envisioned. All at the same time, I don't think I really envisioned what it would be like.
This whole foster care journey has been surrendered to God from the beginning. Yes, there were definitely moments when I tried to take hold of the reigns, but God gently reassured me that He has got this. And got it, He does!
Last night from 2-3:30am I had a wide awake baby. She was crying her scared cry. I am not sure what had her so worked up, but I tried to give her the pacifier, I tried laying her down, I tried patting her back, I tried holding her. She was inconsolable. Finally I took her favorite blanket and I swaddled her. She does not like being swaddled, or at least she hasn't yet, but last night I wrapped her up like a little burrito and I took her downstairs and we sat in the living room and rocked. She was wide eyed and aware of her surroundings. She finally started to calm down and relax, but every time I moved her, or tried to stand up, the crying continued.
I finally put her back in bed because an hour had passed, and I was at a loss what to do. She was no falling back asleep, she was not relaxing. She cried for a little while (it was her "I am mad you are not holding me right now" cry) and I went back into my bed and prayed that God and His angels would surround her and love on her. I prayed that the spirit of fear would leave.
My heart broke. I felt so selfish. I was exhausted. So badly I wanted to just hold her and never let her go. Yet at the same time I was frustrated. I was upset that this happens every.single.Wednesday into Thursday. I just wanted her to sleep. I just wanted to sleep. I always think about turning off the baby monitor so that I can get some sleep. Then I think that I am cold and heartless. I do miss sleeping through the night and not having to get up earlier than usual to make sure the baby gets dropped off at the sitters so that I can make it to work on time.
So many feels. So many thoughts. It is only a moment, a blink, when I'll wake up after sleeping through the night and the baby will be gone. She will be back home. And if that isn't her story, one day not too far from now, I'll wake up and she will be grown. She won't need me rocking her back to sleep. She won't need me holding her and cuddling in the wee hours of the morning, just the two of us as the rest of the world sleeps. I won't be holding her on my lap, trying to nap as I try to get her to go back to sleep.
It goes both ways. There is always give and take. It won't ever be a win-win. I want her to sleep through the night, but I want her to know she can rely on me.
She already has enough unknowns and uncertainties in her life. She doesn't need more.
I got a good nights rest last night. I slept well again from 3:30ish to 6 once the baby had calmed down and drifted off to sleep. I made it to the daycare nearly on time. Only 3 minutes late instead of the 10-15 that I usually am.
Snuggling with my munchkin is the best. She is growing up way too fast already. She likes to be down and getting into things where as just 5 short weeks ago she wanted nothing but to be held.
While I still wish she wanted to be held a little more than she does now, and while I wished that she had wanted to be put down a little more then, I am so thankful that I got in as many baby snuggles as I could soak up the past 5 weeks. I am thankful I worked to get the baby on a schedule. I am thankful that she is gaining confidence and independence and that she can self soothe more now then she was able to when she first entered into my home.
She sits like a champ. She crawls like a pro. She is pulling herself up and getting adventurous!
I love her with my whole heart. I love her with every ounce of my being.
She is my world and she has changed me for the better.
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