The First Good Bye

It has only been 18 days yet it feels like forever. Do I even remember her smell? That toothy grin? Her giggle?


The last week with her was a whirlwind. I hardly recall any of it. She left for a weekend visit with her family that Friday night and was dropped off at daycare that Monday. I was counting down the hours that I got to hold her in my arms. Then mid afternoon I get a call from daycare saying the 4 year old was breathing hard and that I had to come take him to ER. So off I went.


As I walked in the door, sweet Tug Boat ran to me and did not want to be put down. I cried as she cried as I whisked my little dude to the hospital. After 4 hours, we were given a script for an inhaler and sent on our way. That evening I held my baby girl a little longer before putting her in bed.


The next two days were a blur per usual. It's hard balancing life with two kids. By Thursday we were back in urgent care with little guy and a 102 temp all while still struggling to breath. Little dude and I were sent to ER. I had little Miss this time and I had to call another friend to come pick her up as I could not focus. I was spread too thin. Baby girl is such a champ though. She is seriously the best and the sweetest. It was Thursday. I knew that it was quickly approaching that she would be going home. I thought that perhaps Thursday night was her last night with me. I was saddened that little dude had to be admitted to the hospital with pneumonia and I could not spend the last precious nights with my princess.


Then the caseworker texted me ... "do you want to drop her off Friday night or Saturday morning?"


You mean ... I could choose if I got another night with my baby? Of course that's the option I chose. After little dude was discharged, two of my best friends came over and helped me clean and cooked me dinner and we just hung out. I put little dude to bed and the 3 of us just relaxed with my baby. It was such a special time. I got to rock my sweet thang to sleep and just hold her and smell her and take in ever ounce of her perfection.


Saturday morning rolled around and I had so many of her belongings packed. I loaded the kidlets and clothes and other odds and ends into my car and off we went for me to hand over my first baby to her momma who was anxiously awaiting this moment.


Hugs and tears and laughter and joy. Those 5 minutes were filled with every emotion under the sun. But there is hope. So much hope.


Time stands still and time flies by. How can these two totally opposite ends of the spectrum be so completely true in these moments?


I continued to pack up toys, gather left over formula, pulled the car seat out of the basement, changed the crib sheets, packed away clothes for the next little.


Even at this present moment my house is still in a disarray. I have not even cleaned the highchair from her last breakfast with us. Cheerios still scattered on the tray and tucked into every crevice possible. Boxes of clothes stacked in the kitchen. Bags of belongings lined in the living room.


I've been too busy to process. I've had too much happening to grieve. I've been sick since she left, too. Cold or allergies or something else? I don't know. How can it only have been 18 days when it feels like a life time ago. Yet really .. 18 days I've let life slide by without cleaning and organizing.


18 days of missing my baby all while breathing easy that I don't have to tote two kidlets around. Church suddenly got easier. Running errands got a bit easier. Bed times go quicker. Dinner isn't as messy. I can almost keep track of who got a bath when.


I struggle with missing her too much and no missing her enough. Is that even possible? I haven't yet found a balance.


Only twice have I cried those sweet sweet tears that bring such calming relief.


Every day I took my little dude to daycare I hoped to catch a glimpse of her. Yet she gets dropped of after I am there and picked up before I arrive. Some jealousy seeps in that it is a two parent home she is now in.


Doing this as a single mom is hard. It might just be the hardest journey I've ever embarked on. But the rewards! The joys and the giggles and the innocent "I love yous" make it worth it.


I am drained. I am exhausted. I am pulled in every direction. It feels like the world expects everything from me. But I am only one person. I am me. I am loving these babies when there's no one else to protect them. I am raising these babies with I pray a fierce passion and drive for excellence. I pray for these babies all the time. May they grow up and change the world. May they know that they are forever wanted and that all I want is for them to do the absolute best they can.


She may have been tiny, but she was fierce. I love my sweet baby's personality. I pray that one day soon I'll see her again. I pray that I can play that role of "second mom" in her life and share in the joys and sorrows the ups and the downs that she will encounter in this life.


Until then, I'll love her from a distance.