After what feels like an eternity, a phone call has been made, a voicemail left ... to hopefully begin the process of relicensure so my husband and I can reopen my foster care license, to make it our license.
After our gorgeous September wedding, we did not have time for him to get everything done in time to renew my license, I was told. I was asked to voluntarily close my license.
We moved, we got pregnant, we lost babies, we continued in school, we continued at our jobs, we continued to move forward in life.
I am not positive what this journey will look like, but I am ready to "go while the light is green." I have the same attitude I had 3 years ago ... I am going until I cannot go any further. This will either come to fruition or we will hit a dead end.
We are praying that God's Will be done. We cannot control what will happen, but I trust that everything will be done for God's greater glory.
May my husband and I grow in the journey and trust in the Lord to guide our hearts and our minds.
Friday, June 1, 2018
Wednesday, August 23, 2017
Silence
All has been quiet over in our little world. A couple of visitors due to weekend respite over the past 11 months, but no big commitments.
I started school back at the beginning of the year, and am less than a week away from entering the Social Work program.
Wedding prep is also underway as I prepare for my walk down the aisle to be wed to my husband to be in just over two weeks.
All of the paperwork appears to be in order thus far. Bi-annual license renewal is in January, but all the paperwork must be done in November.
It is coming up on a year of no placements and I go between keeping my license open or closing it.
This is a new season. I am getting married. I would love to birth my own babies.
Yet there are children out there who need a family.
Two placements over 13 months. Just about 8 months apiece. They overlapped.
I am praying my way through this season because I honestly am not sure what to do. Opening my home to do foster care was the right thing to do in that season. I always dreamt about being a foster mom for 15, 30, 40+ years. It has been just over two years now that my license was open. I've thought about closing it and reopening it (essentially getting re-licensed) in 18-20 years after having kids and them growing up.
This is a scary season, to be honest. I wish I had the answers, but I don't. I know God will guide me. I know I'll be blessed so long as I remain obedient.
I started school back at the beginning of the year, and am less than a week away from entering the Social Work program.
Wedding prep is also underway as I prepare for my walk down the aisle to be wed to my husband to be in just over two weeks.
All of the paperwork appears to be in order thus far. Bi-annual license renewal is in January, but all the paperwork must be done in November.
It is coming up on a year of no placements and I go between keeping my license open or closing it.
This is a new season. I am getting married. I would love to birth my own babies.
Yet there are children out there who need a family.
Two placements over 13 months. Just about 8 months apiece. They overlapped.
I am praying my way through this season because I honestly am not sure what to do. Opening my home to do foster care was the right thing to do in that season. I always dreamt about being a foster mom for 15, 30, 40+ years. It has been just over two years now that my license was open. I've thought about closing it and reopening it (essentially getting re-licensed) in 18-20 years after having kids and them growing up.
This is a scary season, to be honest. I wish I had the answers, but I don't. I know God will guide me. I know I'll be blessed so long as I remain obedient.
Saturday, December 3, 2016
Annual Home Visit
So in the world of foster care, one first gets licensed by the state. That license is what is called a "Provisional" license and is only good for 6 months. Prior to that 6 months being over, a home visit must occur and then a two year license is then applied for. Since I got my two year license already, every year the licensor needs to make a home visit to make sure that the home/family is in compliance and to see where they stand regarding continuing fostering, and I was due for my annual visit.
I now have my third licensor in 2 years. One got me licensed, one got me through my provisional license and perhaps now this one is here to stay for awhile. Saying I was a ball of nerves is an understatement. The first two licensors wasn't too challenging as I was new to fostering. If I was not compliant with something, they'd tell me, I'd fix it and no big deal. But I've had placements. If I were not compliant with something, and it being a new licensor I was worried.
But all went well. I was able to express strengths and weaknesses. I was able to elaborate on what I did well and what I felt I could improve upon.
The past year of fostering was filled with so many good things and so many challenging things. It was oh so hard but it was far more rewarding. It inspires me to press on. I look forward to the littles that I'll love on next.
Today I picked up some sheets and pillows for a twin bed. I need to get a frame and a mattress but I'll eventually have a twin bed in the nursery to do some respite care for a lovely family and their newest placement of a sweet 5 or 6 year old little miss.
--
The past two days have been spent putting up my Christmas tree. Last year I put the tree up, put a gate around it and called it that. I never put any decorations on it. I had an 11 month old last year. This year I have my tree lit, decorated and no gate around it. It feels nice to not having to worry about a toddler getting into the tree or pulling things off it or even pulling it over!
Adjusting to no kidlets has been relatively easy, but I also miss the little noises and interruptions from them. I won't wish away this season of quiet though.
I now have my third licensor in 2 years. One got me licensed, one got me through my provisional license and perhaps now this one is here to stay for awhile. Saying I was a ball of nerves is an understatement. The first two licensors wasn't too challenging as I was new to fostering. If I was not compliant with something, they'd tell me, I'd fix it and no big deal. But I've had placements. If I were not compliant with something, and it being a new licensor I was worried.
But all went well. I was able to express strengths and weaknesses. I was able to elaborate on what I did well and what I felt I could improve upon.
The past year of fostering was filled with so many good things and so many challenging things. It was oh so hard but it was far more rewarding. It inspires me to press on. I look forward to the littles that I'll love on next.
Today I picked up some sheets and pillows for a twin bed. I need to get a frame and a mattress but I'll eventually have a twin bed in the nursery to do some respite care for a lovely family and their newest placement of a sweet 5 or 6 year old little miss.
--
The past two days have been spent putting up my Christmas tree. Last year I put the tree up, put a gate around it and called it that. I never put any decorations on it. I had an 11 month old last year. This year I have my tree lit, decorated and no gate around it. It feels nice to not having to worry about a toddler getting into the tree or pulling things off it or even pulling it over!
Adjusting to no kidlets has been relatively easy, but I also miss the little noises and interruptions from them. I won't wish away this season of quiet though.
Sunday, November 20, 2016
Bursting Heart
This Momma Heart is FULL!
Three days ago I got to visit with my Baby Bug (who is actually 4.5 years old!) and today I get to visit with my Baby Tugboat who is 22 months old!
While both have graduated from my care, I love that I get to maintain a relationship with them.
God is good!
Watching my baby girl grow and develop over the past 14 months is amazing. I am literally in awe that I get to maintain a relationship with her and her momma. I love that I get to take my baby girl for afternoons and just love on her. She and I share a special bond.
I've heard so many foster care stories; both of birth parents keeping in contact as well as parents wanting nothing to do with the foster parents.
One of my goals as a foster parent is to foster a relationship with birth parents where we can stay in contact during care and after reunification. I don't have much experience in that, but God guides me.
So today I will hug my baby girl. I will squeeze her tight and love her with all I've got. We get to visit my family today so they can all love on her to! She has such a huge extended family that loves her to pieces!
I love this aspect of fostering. I love that I witnessed firsthand "the system" working to bring a family back. I love that I get to continue watching this sweet baby grow and become a little girl. I am excited for her future!
Three days ago I got to visit with my Baby Bug (who is actually 4.5 years old!) and today I get to visit with my Baby Tugboat who is 22 months old!
While both have graduated from my care, I love that I get to maintain a relationship with them.
God is good!
Watching my baby girl grow and develop over the past 14 months is amazing. I am literally in awe that I get to maintain a relationship with her and her momma. I love that I get to take my baby girl for afternoons and just love on her. She and I share a special bond.
I've heard so many foster care stories; both of birth parents keeping in contact as well as parents wanting nothing to do with the foster parents.
One of my goals as a foster parent is to foster a relationship with birth parents where we can stay in contact during care and after reunification. I don't have much experience in that, but God guides me.
So today I will hug my baby girl. I will squeeze her tight and love her with all I've got. We get to visit my family today so they can all love on her to! She has such a huge extended family that loves her to pieces!
I love this aspect of fostering. I love that I witnessed firsthand "the system" working to bring a family back. I love that I get to continue watching this sweet baby grow and become a little girl. I am excited for her future!
Wednesday, November 16, 2016
This Next Season
Where do I even begin? What hasn't happened since I last wrote?
The past two days have been weird. I had a random lady come up to me after training tonight and say that my last placement - who went to live with family - is now with her. That threw me for a loop.
Last night I got a random phone call asking if I would take in a medically fragile toddler. I am not equipped nor trained for such needs. One day I hope to be, but this is not that day.
My momma heart is broken.
So much need, and I can only fill so many needs.
This is a season of waiting. A season of quiet. A season of learning and growing and new things.
I had my 4 year old for 8 months. They were the longest 8 months I've ever counted but somehow they passed by in something as short as a blink of an eye. So here I am. Going on 6 or 7 weeks of quiet. It is weird.
This next season is really unknown. I wait and I trust in the Lord. I feel led to do respite/subcare for other foster families. I have a family that I am "assigned" to and just today I received word that they have a little! So it won't be too long now before I have occasional weekend and weeknights filled with the joy filled noise of a child.
---
In this season of child-free-ness I have taken all the classes I need for my upcoming licensing renewal at the first of the year! I can hardly fathom that it is almost 18 months that I've been licensed. It felt like I would never get licensed as I went through the process! And here I am, 18 months, 2 children, and some experience later!
Who would have thought? I never envisioned that my journey into foster care would look like this.
I am all signed up for classes in January. I have some word ahead of me and some deadlines to meet. All in all, I plan to pursue a degree in social work. I only have a few classes to take prior to starting in the Social Work program and I have to apply to the program prior to completing those programs since the college I plan to attend only accept fall admissions. If I miss the 2017 admission, I'll have to wait a whole year before starting my actual declared major. I don't anticipate it being an issue, but sometimes deadlines are daunting.
How fostering and school and working will all mesh together, I don't know what that looks like. I trust that it will all come together. God has called me to this; He will find a way. That I am sure of.
The past two days have been weird. I had a random lady come up to me after training tonight and say that my last placement - who went to live with family - is now with her. That threw me for a loop.
Last night I got a random phone call asking if I would take in a medically fragile toddler. I am not equipped nor trained for such needs. One day I hope to be, but this is not that day.
My momma heart is broken.
So much need, and I can only fill so many needs.
This is a season of waiting. A season of quiet. A season of learning and growing and new things.
I had my 4 year old for 8 months. They were the longest 8 months I've ever counted but somehow they passed by in something as short as a blink of an eye. So here I am. Going on 6 or 7 weeks of quiet. It is weird.
This next season is really unknown. I wait and I trust in the Lord. I feel led to do respite/subcare for other foster families. I have a family that I am "assigned" to and just today I received word that they have a little! So it won't be too long now before I have occasional weekend and weeknights filled with the joy filled noise of a child.
---
In this season of child-free-ness I have taken all the classes I need for my upcoming licensing renewal at the first of the year! I can hardly fathom that it is almost 18 months that I've been licensed. It felt like I would never get licensed as I went through the process! And here I am, 18 months, 2 children, and some experience later!
Who would have thought? I never envisioned that my journey into foster care would look like this.
I am all signed up for classes in January. I have some word ahead of me and some deadlines to meet. All in all, I plan to pursue a degree in social work. I only have a few classes to take prior to starting in the Social Work program and I have to apply to the program prior to completing those programs since the college I plan to attend only accept fall admissions. If I miss the 2017 admission, I'll have to wait a whole year before starting my actual declared major. I don't anticipate it being an issue, but sometimes deadlines are daunting.
How fostering and school and working will all mesh together, I don't know what that looks like. I trust that it will all come together. God has called me to this; He will find a way. That I am sure of.
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
The First Good Bye
It has only been 18 days yet it feels like forever. Do I even remember her smell? That toothy grin? Her giggle?
The last week with her was a whirlwind. I hardly recall any of it. She left for a weekend visit with her family that Friday night and was dropped off at daycare that Monday. I was counting down the hours that I got to hold her in my arms. Then mid afternoon I get a call from daycare saying the 4 year old was breathing hard and that I had to come take him to ER. So off I went.
As I walked in the door, sweet Tug Boat ran to me and did not want to be put down. I cried as she cried as I whisked my little dude to the hospital. After 4 hours, we were given a script for an inhaler and sent on our way. That evening I held my baby girl a little longer before putting her in bed.
The next two days were a blur per usual. It's hard balancing life with two kids. By Thursday we were back in urgent care with little guy and a 102 temp all while still struggling to breath. Little dude and I were sent to ER. I had little Miss this time and I had to call another friend to come pick her up as I could not focus. I was spread too thin. Baby girl is such a champ though. She is seriously the best and the sweetest. It was Thursday. I knew that it was quickly approaching that she would be going home. I thought that perhaps Thursday night was her last night with me. I was saddened that little dude had to be admitted to the hospital with pneumonia and I could not spend the last precious nights with my princess.
Then the caseworker texted me ... "do you want to drop her off Friday night or Saturday morning?"
You mean ... I could choose if I got another night with my baby? Of course that's the option I chose. After little dude was discharged, two of my best friends came over and helped me clean and cooked me dinner and we just hung out. I put little dude to bed and the 3 of us just relaxed with my baby. It was such a special time. I got to rock my sweet thang to sleep and just hold her and smell her and take in ever ounce of her perfection.
Saturday morning rolled around and I had so many of her belongings packed. I loaded the kidlets and clothes and other odds and ends into my car and off we went for me to hand over my first baby to her momma who was anxiously awaiting this moment.
Hugs and tears and laughter and joy. Those 5 minutes were filled with every emotion under the sun. But there is hope. So much hope.
Time stands still and time flies by. How can these two totally opposite ends of the spectrum be so completely true in these moments?
I continued to pack up toys, gather left over formula, pulled the car seat out of the basement, changed the crib sheets, packed away clothes for the next little.
Even at this present moment my house is still in a disarray. I have not even cleaned the highchair from her last breakfast with us. Cheerios still scattered on the tray and tucked into every crevice possible. Boxes of clothes stacked in the kitchen. Bags of belongings lined in the living room.
I've been too busy to process. I've had too much happening to grieve. I've been sick since she left, too. Cold or allergies or something else? I don't know. How can it only have been 18 days when it feels like a life time ago. Yet really .. 18 days I've let life slide by without cleaning and organizing.
18 days of missing my baby all while breathing easy that I don't have to tote two kidlets around. Church suddenly got easier. Running errands got a bit easier. Bed times go quicker. Dinner isn't as messy. I can almost keep track of who got a bath when.
I struggle with missing her too much and no missing her enough. Is that even possible? I haven't yet found a balance.
Only twice have I cried those sweet sweet tears that bring such calming relief.
Every day I took my little dude to daycare I hoped to catch a glimpse of her. Yet she gets dropped of after I am there and picked up before I arrive. Some jealousy seeps in that it is a two parent home she is now in.
Doing this as a single mom is hard. It might just be the hardest journey I've ever embarked on. But the rewards! The joys and the giggles and the innocent "I love yous" make it worth it.
I am drained. I am exhausted. I am pulled in every direction. It feels like the world expects everything from me. But I am only one person. I am me. I am loving these babies when there's no one else to protect them. I am raising these babies with I pray a fierce passion and drive for excellence. I pray for these babies all the time. May they grow up and change the world. May they know that they are forever wanted and that all I want is for them to do the absolute best they can.
She may have been tiny, but she was fierce. I love my sweet baby's personality. I pray that one day soon I'll see her again. I pray that I can play that role of "second mom" in her life and share in the joys and sorrows the ups and the downs that she will encounter in this life.
Until then, I'll love her from a distance.
The last week with her was a whirlwind. I hardly recall any of it. She left for a weekend visit with her family that Friday night and was dropped off at daycare that Monday. I was counting down the hours that I got to hold her in my arms. Then mid afternoon I get a call from daycare saying the 4 year old was breathing hard and that I had to come take him to ER. So off I went.
As I walked in the door, sweet Tug Boat ran to me and did not want to be put down. I cried as she cried as I whisked my little dude to the hospital. After 4 hours, we were given a script for an inhaler and sent on our way. That evening I held my baby girl a little longer before putting her in bed.
The next two days were a blur per usual. It's hard balancing life with two kids. By Thursday we were back in urgent care with little guy and a 102 temp all while still struggling to breath. Little dude and I were sent to ER. I had little Miss this time and I had to call another friend to come pick her up as I could not focus. I was spread too thin. Baby girl is such a champ though. She is seriously the best and the sweetest. It was Thursday. I knew that it was quickly approaching that she would be going home. I thought that perhaps Thursday night was her last night with me. I was saddened that little dude had to be admitted to the hospital with pneumonia and I could not spend the last precious nights with my princess.
Then the caseworker texted me ... "do you want to drop her off Friday night or Saturday morning?"
You mean ... I could choose if I got another night with my baby? Of course that's the option I chose. After little dude was discharged, two of my best friends came over and helped me clean and cooked me dinner and we just hung out. I put little dude to bed and the 3 of us just relaxed with my baby. It was such a special time. I got to rock my sweet thang to sleep and just hold her and smell her and take in ever ounce of her perfection.
Saturday morning rolled around and I had so many of her belongings packed. I loaded the kidlets and clothes and other odds and ends into my car and off we went for me to hand over my first baby to her momma who was anxiously awaiting this moment.
Hugs and tears and laughter and joy. Those 5 minutes were filled with every emotion under the sun. But there is hope. So much hope.
Time stands still and time flies by. How can these two totally opposite ends of the spectrum be so completely true in these moments?
I continued to pack up toys, gather left over formula, pulled the car seat out of the basement, changed the crib sheets, packed away clothes for the next little.
Even at this present moment my house is still in a disarray. I have not even cleaned the highchair from her last breakfast with us. Cheerios still scattered on the tray and tucked into every crevice possible. Boxes of clothes stacked in the kitchen. Bags of belongings lined in the living room.
I've been too busy to process. I've had too much happening to grieve. I've been sick since she left, too. Cold or allergies or something else? I don't know. How can it only have been 18 days when it feels like a life time ago. Yet really .. 18 days I've let life slide by without cleaning and organizing.
18 days of missing my baby all while breathing easy that I don't have to tote two kidlets around. Church suddenly got easier. Running errands got a bit easier. Bed times go quicker. Dinner isn't as messy. I can almost keep track of who got a bath when.
I struggle with missing her too much and no missing her enough. Is that even possible? I haven't yet found a balance.
Only twice have I cried those sweet sweet tears that bring such calming relief.
Every day I took my little dude to daycare I hoped to catch a glimpse of her. Yet she gets dropped of after I am there and picked up before I arrive. Some jealousy seeps in that it is a two parent home she is now in.
Doing this as a single mom is hard. It might just be the hardest journey I've ever embarked on. But the rewards! The joys and the giggles and the innocent "I love yous" make it worth it.
I am drained. I am exhausted. I am pulled in every direction. It feels like the world expects everything from me. But I am only one person. I am me. I am loving these babies when there's no one else to protect them. I am raising these babies with I pray a fierce passion and drive for excellence. I pray for these babies all the time. May they grow up and change the world. May they know that they are forever wanted and that all I want is for them to do the absolute best they can.
She may have been tiny, but she was fierce. I love my sweet baby's personality. I pray that one day soon I'll see her again. I pray that I can play that role of "second mom" in her life and share in the joys and sorrows the ups and the downs that she will encounter in this life.
Until then, I'll love her from a distance.
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
The Emotions
Bittersweet. It is the only word that I've managed to muster. It's the only word that makes sense.
How could there be another word so fitting that would perfectly encompasses every emotion under the sun that comes with welcoming a baby into my home and my heart, only for 7 months later there to be a void, gaping open, that longs to be filled.
God come! Come and fill the hearts of your faithful and enkindle in them a spirit of your love!
She hasn't even gone back yet. I still get to see her and tuck her in bed tonight. I still get to sing her sweet lullaby's for a night or two yet. Maybe longer. The anticipation of the void is there.
Auto pilot. Just doing what I need to do because I don't actually know what is happening. Will she be gone this weekend or next? Will everything come together or fall apart? For the baby's sake, I pray she can go back home and begin her new normal of living life to the absolute fullest.
I don't know if I'll cry when she goes home. Maybe not at first. My heart is guarded from the good bye right now when I am honest with myself.
How can I be happy seeing a part of my heart going on to live a life where I only play a small role?
The past 7 months I have been her constant. I have been her everything. And suddenly that's just ... gone.
This is my first good-bye. The first of many, I am sure. I went into this knowing this day would come.
I am so very happy for her and the journey she will continue to embrace. I am sad that she had to experience all she has in her short, beautiful little life.
I am thankful for love. I am thankful that I have had the opportunity to love and to be loved. This journey has not been easy, but it is rewarding. I am excited for what the future holds not just for this little, but for all the littles that are yet to come.
God is faithful. God is good. I am in awe that he chose me to shepherd this little heart.
The world has been throwing negatives at me. They question, they make comments. I've allowed this to infiltrate my essence. I've thought something must be wrong with me since I am not a hot mess of emotions.
God is guarding my heart. He has called me to this journey and He alone sustains me. Yes, emotions are running rampant, but only because I can see all things good.
People have said some strange things. They speak from a place of ignorance as they don't know.
I get that people have the best of intentions. I've learned to take many with a grain of salt.
So as I enter this new season of being a mom to my 4 year old son ... I embrace it with arms wide open.
How could there be another word so fitting that would perfectly encompasses every emotion under the sun that comes with welcoming a baby into my home and my heart, only for 7 months later there to be a void, gaping open, that longs to be filled.
God come! Come and fill the hearts of your faithful and enkindle in them a spirit of your love!
She hasn't even gone back yet. I still get to see her and tuck her in bed tonight. I still get to sing her sweet lullaby's for a night or two yet. Maybe longer. The anticipation of the void is there.
Auto pilot. Just doing what I need to do because I don't actually know what is happening. Will she be gone this weekend or next? Will everything come together or fall apart? For the baby's sake, I pray she can go back home and begin her new normal of living life to the absolute fullest.
I don't know if I'll cry when she goes home. Maybe not at first. My heart is guarded from the good bye right now when I am honest with myself.
How can I be happy seeing a part of my heart going on to live a life where I only play a small role?
The past 7 months I have been her constant. I have been her everything. And suddenly that's just ... gone.
This is my first good-bye. The first of many, I am sure. I went into this knowing this day would come.
I am so very happy for her and the journey she will continue to embrace. I am sad that she had to experience all she has in her short, beautiful little life.
I am thankful for love. I am thankful that I have had the opportunity to love and to be loved. This journey has not been easy, but it is rewarding. I am excited for what the future holds not just for this little, but for all the littles that are yet to come.
God is faithful. God is good. I am in awe that he chose me to shepherd this little heart.
The world has been throwing negatives at me. They question, they make comments. I've allowed this to infiltrate my essence. I've thought something must be wrong with me since I am not a hot mess of emotions.
God is guarding my heart. He has called me to this journey and He alone sustains me. Yes, emotions are running rampant, but only because I can see all things good.
People have said some strange things. They speak from a place of ignorance as they don't know.
I get that people have the best of intentions. I've learned to take many with a grain of salt.
So as I enter this new season of being a mom to my 4 year old son ... I embrace it with arms wide open.
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