On Authority

Reading. Wondering. Thinking. Typing. Thinking. Wondering. Pondering. Going in circles.


Feeling so far from authoritative. Feeling like the only control I have is slowly slipping away.


What kind of authority do I really even have? I am not even sure I am seen and recognized by my littles as having much authority over them.


But what kind of authority am I looking for? To be powerful? To rank and rule over them?


No. Not really. I want relational authority. To be an influence. Not to be fire and brimstone and full of consequence.


Life in this world has a flow of consequence that follows, but parenthood doesn't have to force unnecessary consequences.


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To set rules and limits. To clearly establish what is allowed and not allowed. To even know what those look like.


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What do you do when a toddler only want to hit? What to do when they know more than a child should know? What do you do when a child has been exposed to far more in their little lives then you yourself has been exposed to in a life time?


How do they process and discern "right" from "wrong." I don't necessarily believe my children are intentionally doing wrong, or trying to be a bad kid. But they act based on what their perception of the world has been for so long.


Can I offer them a new perspective and help shape their perception? I sure do hope I can.


I hope I can offer calm and collected and peaceful resolutions. I want to be open in my body language. Yet I am struggling with being too passive, or coming off as "just not caring" or being too rigid.


I feel inexperienced. I feel like my insecurities are showing everywhere I go. I am confident in my God who can do far more than I can imagine or dream of. I am confident that I am impacting these babies far more than I can recognize. Yet I struggle. I struggle to know that I am doing things right. I struggle with forgetting to bring the sippy cup out the door. I struggle to remember to pack toys in the diaper bag. I struggle with bringing toys in the car to keep the kidlets entertained.


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Remembering to just breath. And know that God is good and that He alone gives me my daily bread in all I do and all I need. Amen

Life with Two

Two foster littles. I always knew I'd get to this point. I just never envisioned the how.


I opened my home up for two children because I didn't want siblings to be separated. I knew my chances of getting littles would be greater if I were licensed for more than 1.


Then the call came for the baby. Then the call came for a little who was unfortunately being separated from the siblings as they tried to have them all together but it wasn't going too well.


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My life as a single mom of two is .. well, crazy, eventful, wonderful, and oh so lovely!


I feel like we are always on a go, then suddenly it is bedtime and bam. Babies in bed.


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I have good sleepers and good eaters. I have generally happy littles.


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We read, play outdoors, pretend, go on adventures and overall soak up togetherness.


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I laugh when I think about what is, and what was "supposed" to be. I was suppose to be a mom of two for a very short period of time. It has now been 6 weeks and 1 day. It was maybe going to overlap a week or two.


Good thing I am flexible and go with the flow. It isn't always easy, but it is rewarding. It is the small things that really capture my heart and love for what I do.


A 3 year old that loves hugs and kisses and needs them before I leave after dropping him off at daycare. A 3 year old that insists on prayers before bed each night. A 3 year old that finds amusement in the littest of things like a pair of ear plugs.


A 1 year old that is growing and exploring and watching her personality develop. A 1 year old that enjoys snuggles and being the princess that she is.


I've learned a great deal about being a momma and my kiddos. I would not change anything right now. :)

As Time Goes On

What happened to the time? Where has time gone? Wasn't it just last night, a week ago, a month ago that I welcomed a tiny little 7 month old into my home and heart? A baby that could hardly roll over, a baby that was so content and just went with the flow.


Now I have a 13, almost 14 month old that loves walking all over the place, loves to say "hi" to everything and still a happy little babe that thrives on attention and love.


3 weeks ago she became a "little sister." Foster care is weird. Because I am "having" children 5 months apart and years are between their ages.


This transition has not been without challenges. The first night consisted of being up from 12:30-1:15am while the newest was throwing a tantrum and I was covered literally from head to tow in throw up.


That was just a one time occurrence.


How long does it take to transition?


This little has had my heart for a month. Sometimes I get frustrated. Sometimes I question why I am called to do this.


But at the end of the day, my heart and my home are full. I love these littles.


Whether that is another day, week, month or year, love is ever so present. Time will continue to go on. And I'll continue to grow and love.

"Here We Go."

"Here we go." I was talking to my dad. I was explaining the plan. I was telling him what this week would look like and asking him if he could possibly babysit while I work this weekend.


"Here we Go," I said. "That's a good way of putting it," was the reply.


Backtrack almost a week ago.


It is Thursday, January 28th about 10am. I get a text from my present placements Caseworker: "are you open to another placement? I have a coworker looking for a home."


"Yes, I am open to a placement!"


"Great! We will call you later."


.... The longest 2 hours had just begun.




I get the call. A 4 year old little boy that may be special needs? YES. My home and my heart are open and God just spoke to my heart that He is going to teach me so much about his Love through this placement.


But they needed to move him. "Can we put together a move plan and call you Monday?"


"Sounds Great. Thanks."


... And so begins the longest weekend.


Monday comes and it is late afternoon ... no call. I send a text: "Any update?"


"I'll check ... nothing yet, we will call you first thing tomorrow morning."


Tuesday. 9am. I had a missed call and a voicemail. They are ready and have the plan put together.


I call back. "Can you pick him up tomorrow at 6pm?" YES. I was so excited. I could hardly eat breakfast.


So here I am today. Last night I kept the baby up later than her bedtime because I wanted to embrace those precious moments of her being my old baby.


It has been a very long week, but it is a beautiful week. I am excited to embark on the next leg of this journey.




As I drove into work yesterday, I was talking with God. I thought how this little dude was born even before I began pursuing foster care. As I was reflecting on that, God showed me that He had gone before me and had orchestrated this event special for me. My heart aches for the pain this little has been through, but I am going to give him all I have and love him with all my heart. <3 p="">

Foster Care, and Feeling all the Feels

Sometimes I sit and I ponder, and think a not very positive thought.

I question this journey, where my heart has been wrung and been wrought.

Raw open emotion, allowing my heart to be exposed,

Feelings and emotions, these doors cannot be closed.

To feel and to be, to love and be present each day,

Waking up with a smile, and embrace living this way.

These children have not chosen a life such as this,

Crying and fighting, begging for their family who they so desperately miss.

To give all they have, just to know their old normal,

This new place is foreign, so wrong, so abnormal.

To comfort and love, to hug and to cry,

To feel all the feels and have tear stained faces as the tears try to dry.

So often the world doesn’t understand, they don’t know,

These children’s stories, the pain, the sorrow the woe.

The world offers words, their attempts are pure,

Though often these comments can be obscure.

Often these snippets are riddled with good intentions,

But too deeply they hold a weight with so many tensions.

I understand that you are curious and have questions,

But knowing their story shouldn’t affect the love expressions.

The comments that are spoken, cannot be unheard,

My head is left shaking, thinking “absurd.”

’It is great for people to do this … those who can’t have kids of their own.’

‘Just watch out … they’ll set the house on fire.’

‘It is going to hurt real bad when they go home.’

‘I can’t do it; I would get too attached.’

The list continues, the emotions burn, although taken as lightly as I know how.

It gets better, I find my peace, and the burden gets lighter somehow.

I am here for the children, my heart is so full.

I am their advocate, their caregiver, their parent and I‘ll take no bull.

This isn’t the place they want to be, they have not been given a choice,

I am their world, their home, their words when they have no voice.

Take it or leave it, there is no in between,

Build up, encourage, these kids need self-esteem.

This mission is a mission straight from heaven, God-breathed,

All the strength and grace needed will be received.

Join me in rejoicing when a child comes and goes,

Praying God’s love sowed in them blossoms and grows.

While they didn’t grow within me, and long after reunification occurs,

I’ll love them like my own, every day all through the years.

My heart is on the line, and I would expect nothing less,

Then for my home and my heart to be ever blessed.

While tears are inevitable and grieving is a process,

I am excited for all the littles to pass through my doors, I confess.

Joy comes in the morning, though there may be sorrow at night,

I am reassured by this promise, so be gone all fear and all fright.

Wherever life takes me, God is my compass, my guide,

He goes ahead of me, behind me, and walks along my side.

Through the good times and bad, my faith is in Him,

I’ll sing yes and amen, and loud alleluias, forever on my lips, those are my hymn.

 

Another Update

We mostly take the days in stride, living each moment to moment. At least we try.


It is far easier to say than it is to do. But we sure do try.


We just celebrated our first Christmas. Her first Christmas and my first Christmas as a momma. It was really special. Bittersweet. Everything about foster care is bittersweet.


The baby has been taking her first steps. She may very well be walking by her first birthday coming up soon. But she is a little hesitant.


She is starting to talk a lot more. No real words, really, but she is getting there! She says "Mama" "Ni-nigh" "bye-bye" and "Mona." And perhaps a few others thrown in there that I am not quite sure what they mean yet.


She has such a personality! I love it.


She continues to be an excellent sleeper and eater. She has become slightly more picky, but still doesn't turn much down.


I love this season. Our time to say good bye or "see you later" may be soon approaching, but for now, we love these moments and live them to the fullest.

Oh to Keep on Keeping on; To Love with all I've Got

Amazed. Encouraged. In awe. Emotions. Time stands still, yet goes by too fast.


Foster Care and all the glories that come with it.


Too often words aren't even enough. How can I possibly be so eloquent with my words when the whole basis behind foster care is such a heartache and mess? How can I not love the littles in my home? How can I part with them? How can I work with their parents and the case worker and every other person in their short little lives towards a common goal of reunification?


To be called on this journey is something that I have no answer as to why. To be called, to be chosen, to be hand picked to lay my heart on the line and let the Love of God flow in me and through me.


I am honored. I am humbled. I just sit, stand and kneel is complete awe and amazement. I laugh and giggle. I am filled with such joy.


Sometimes I feel guilty for expressing how much I love being a mom. Especially given these circumstance. I was talking with a neighbor this past weekend, and I said "Oh, I am only a Foster Mom." She stopped me right there and said "Not ONLY, you ARE her Foster Mom! There is not only. You are."


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Too often I find myself living under a stereotype that no one has given me aside from myself. I have very few people in my life that give me a hard time, or speak these things into my life. Sometimes it feels like the negative is overpowering, but in all actuality, LIGHT WINS.


The past 6 weeks have been filled with self-talk and negative, shameful and doubting phrases. I have walked surrounded by a dark cloud that doesn't actually exist. Because I made it exist in my mind, I believed it.


It wasn't until I was talking with a coworker and able to put words to it, that I realized what I was doing and how I was living.


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There is no shame in being a Foster Mom/Parent. There should never be, and shame on anyone who shames a Foster Parent.


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Who really cares what the world thinks? I only care what my Father in Heaven says of me.


I fell into the pit of caring what other people say about me. I feel into a negative way of thinking based on what others were saying to preserve their own self image. I fell into shame and guilt because I was worrying that the world was going to lash out at me.


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God is so gentle though. He spoke to my heart and He reaffirmed who I am. He spoke truth into my very soul and spirit and mind. He spoke peace and joy back into my life. He spoke identity and life.


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The world is going to do what the world wants to do. The world may reject Father God, but I won't. He has called me to where I am, and I am going to walk in this journey and walk in the fullness of life.




God is so much bigger than anything the world throws at me. God is so much bigger than any trial I face in this life.




With all that being said, I lift my head high, and I surrender everything ... I give my all to the One that Gave His All.