Bittersweet. It is the only word that I've managed to muster. It's the only word that makes sense.
How could there be another word so fitting that would perfectly encompasses every emotion under the sun that comes with welcoming a baby into my home and my heart, only for 7 months later there to be a void, gaping open, that longs to be filled.
God come! Come and fill the hearts of your faithful and enkindle in them a spirit of your love!
She hasn't even gone back yet. I still get to see her and tuck her in bed tonight. I still get to sing her sweet lullaby's for a night or two yet. Maybe longer. The anticipation of the void is there.
Auto pilot. Just doing what I need to do because I don't actually know what is happening. Will she be gone this weekend or next? Will everything come together or fall apart? For the baby's sake, I pray she can go back home and begin her new normal of living life to the absolute fullest.
I don't know if I'll cry when she goes home. Maybe not at first. My heart is guarded from the good bye right now when I am honest with myself.
How can I be happy seeing a part of my heart going on to live a life where I only play a small role?
The past 7 months I have been her constant. I have been her everything. And suddenly that's just ... gone.
This is my first good-bye. The first of many, I am sure. I went into this knowing this day would come.
I am so very happy for her and the journey she will continue to embrace. I am sad that she had to experience all she has in her short, beautiful little life.
I am thankful for love. I am thankful that I have had the opportunity to love and to be loved. This journey has not been easy, but it is rewarding. I am excited for what the future holds not just for this little, but for all the littles that are yet to come.
God is faithful. God is good. I am in awe that he chose me to shepherd this little heart.
The world has been throwing negatives at me. They question, they make comments. I've allowed this to infiltrate my essence. I've thought something must be wrong with me since I am not a hot mess of emotions.
God is guarding my heart. He has called me to this journey and He alone sustains me. Yes, emotions are running rampant, but only because I can see all things good.
People have said some strange things. They speak from a place of ignorance as they don't know.
I get that people have the best of intentions. I've learned to take many with a grain of salt.
So as I enter this new season of being a mom to my 4 year old son ... I embrace it with arms wide open.
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
Gearing up for Good Bye
Oh the emotions that come with saying Good Bye. The emotions that are present in Foster Care. The knowing that by saying "yes" that a "Good Bye" is almost always to follow.
What a beautiful past 7 1/2 months it has been loving on the most perfect baby girl. She has taught me so much about love, and patience, and joy. My heart beats outside my body.
How can I love a baby that I've only known so short? How can this girl be my world? How can I love another momma's baby?
Attached. We bonded within hours. She saw me and I was Momma. I was caretaker.
Transition visits are occurring. One night away ... two nights away ... three nights away ...
I tried to protect my heart. I tried to keep walls up. I know that that is not what foster parents are suppose to do.
She is the one that made me a momma. She is my baby through and through.
I pray going forward that this little angel forms a bond so strong with her own momma. I pray that she is strong and courageous. I pray that she knows her Heavenly Abba and learns how fearfully and wonderfully made she is.
I pray that it isn't a good-bye, but rather a "until I see you again" and that we can keep in touch.
I may never know the impact I've had on her life, but I pray that it goes beyond just her.
She is the most perfect baby girl. I have seen so many "firsts" and have encouraged, loved and comforted her through her milestones.
Sometimes I feel guilty being "Momma." She has a momma. She has a momma that loves her so so so very much. She has a momma that was momma before me.
But that doesn't make me anything less than her momma.
Co parenting. It is a thing. And I love it. I love raising this baby girl with her mom. I love that I have been privileged to take this wee lass under my wing and pour into her every ounce of love I could muster.
Saying our farewells won't be easy. Every single moment of the past 7+ months has been worth it. I'll do this a million times over. Just to grow and experience God's great love through and through, over and over.
My life may change. The circumstances of my life may change. But God stays the same. He is constant. He is my rock. He is my refuge. God is my strength.
One baby out of thousands just in my state. My arms and my heart are open. "Catch and release. Catch and release."
What a beautiful past 7 1/2 months it has been loving on the most perfect baby girl. She has taught me so much about love, and patience, and joy. My heart beats outside my body.
How can I love a baby that I've only known so short? How can this girl be my world? How can I love another momma's baby?
Attached. We bonded within hours. She saw me and I was Momma. I was caretaker.
Transition visits are occurring. One night away ... two nights away ... three nights away ...
I tried to protect my heart. I tried to keep walls up. I know that that is not what foster parents are suppose to do.
She is the one that made me a momma. She is my baby through and through.
I pray going forward that this little angel forms a bond so strong with her own momma. I pray that she is strong and courageous. I pray that she knows her Heavenly Abba and learns how fearfully and wonderfully made she is.
I pray that it isn't a good-bye, but rather a "until I see you again" and that we can keep in touch.
I may never know the impact I've had on her life, but I pray that it goes beyond just her.
She is the most perfect baby girl. I have seen so many "firsts" and have encouraged, loved and comforted her through her milestones.
Sometimes I feel guilty being "Momma." She has a momma. She has a momma that loves her so so so very much. She has a momma that was momma before me.
But that doesn't make me anything less than her momma.
Co parenting. It is a thing. And I love it. I love raising this baby girl with her mom. I love that I have been privileged to take this wee lass under my wing and pour into her every ounce of love I could muster.
Saying our farewells won't be easy. Every single moment of the past 7+ months has been worth it. I'll do this a million times over. Just to grow and experience God's great love through and through, over and over.
My life may change. The circumstances of my life may change. But God stays the same. He is constant. He is my rock. He is my refuge. God is my strength.
One baby out of thousands just in my state. My arms and my heart are open. "Catch and release. Catch and release."
Helpless
There hasn't been anything yet in this life that has scared me as much as watching my baby boy struggling to breath and not being able to do anything for him.
We had a trip to ER yesterday.
A breathing treatment and a couple of scripts later we were sent on our way.
No idea what the onset was. No answers as to what it was.
Hoping for answers at the doctor's appointment coming up.
We had a trip to ER yesterday.
A breathing treatment and a couple of scripts later we were sent on our way.
No idea what the onset was. No answers as to what it was.
Hoping for answers at the doctor's appointment coming up.
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
Teachable
On the up and up?? Maybe. I hope so.
Trying to juggle and balance this wonderfully exhausting beautiful fairytale of a journey that is called "Motherhood."
There are definitely moments that I wouldn't ever wish to change. Then there are moments that are.just.so.much.
I don't have biological children, yet I envision raising biological children to be far easier than raising foster babies. Since I have nothing to compare it to, I can't actually set that as a rule. Just something that I often think about.
That is NOT to say that motherhood in any form is actually "Easy." Because it isn't. I am sure biological babies come with challenges all of their own. There is the post-partum recovery. The sole supporting of financially. The "these are my responsibility for the next 18 years."
In doing foster care, those are 2-3 of the very things that I don't have to stress over, mostly. Yes, there is a financial responsibility, but there is also modest assistance from the state.
--
Changes are underway and there are some really hard decision that need to be made. There are things that need to be done, but there is something that says "not now."
"Jump in with both feet and drown" kind of feeling. No thank you. I'll pass this time around.
To make those feelings known and spoken out loud so that they don't bore a hole in the abyss of my mind.
This journey is not for the faint of heart. It is truly testing my strength.
Like a muscle that gets exercised frequently to gain strength, this journey is only making me all the stronger. I am learning things I didn't know I needed to be taught.
Trying to juggle and balance this wonderfully exhausting beautiful fairytale of a journey that is called "Motherhood."
There are definitely moments that I wouldn't ever wish to change. Then there are moments that are.just.so.much.
I don't have biological children, yet I envision raising biological children to be far easier than raising foster babies. Since I have nothing to compare it to, I can't actually set that as a rule. Just something that I often think about.
That is NOT to say that motherhood in any form is actually "Easy." Because it isn't. I am sure biological babies come with challenges all of their own. There is the post-partum recovery. The sole supporting of financially. The "these are my responsibility for the next 18 years."
In doing foster care, those are 2-3 of the very things that I don't have to stress over, mostly. Yes, there is a financial responsibility, but there is also modest assistance from the state.
--
Changes are underway and there are some really hard decision that need to be made. There are things that need to be done, but there is something that says "not now."
"Jump in with both feet and drown" kind of feeling. No thank you. I'll pass this time around.
To make those feelings known and spoken out loud so that they don't bore a hole in the abyss of my mind.
This journey is not for the faint of heart. It is truly testing my strength.
Like a muscle that gets exercised frequently to gain strength, this journey is only making me all the stronger. I am learning things I didn't know I needed to be taught.
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