Oh the emotions that come with saying Good Bye. The emotions that are present in Foster Care. The knowing that by saying "yes" that a "Good Bye" is almost always to follow.
What a beautiful past 7 1/2 months it has been loving on the most perfect baby girl. She has taught me so much about love, and patience, and joy. My heart beats outside my body.
How can I love a baby that I've only known so short? How can this girl be my world? How can I love another momma's baby?
Attached. We bonded within hours. She saw me and I was Momma. I was caretaker.
Transition visits are occurring. One night away ... two nights away ... three nights away ...
I tried to protect my heart. I tried to keep walls up. I know that that is not what foster parents are suppose to do.
She is the one that made me a momma. She is my baby through and through.
I pray going forward that this little angel forms a bond so strong with her own momma. I pray that she is strong and courageous. I pray that she knows her Heavenly Abba and learns how fearfully and wonderfully made she is.
I pray that it isn't a good-bye, but rather a "until I see you again" and that we can keep in touch.
I may never know the impact I've had on her life, but I pray that it goes beyond just her.
She is the most perfect baby girl. I have seen so many "firsts" and have encouraged, loved and comforted her through her milestones.
Sometimes I feel guilty being "Momma." She has a momma. She has a momma that loves her so so so very much. She has a momma that was momma before me.
But that doesn't make me anything less than her momma.
Co parenting. It is a thing. And I love it. I love raising this baby girl with her mom. I love that I have been privileged to take this wee lass under my wing and pour into her every ounce of love I could muster.
Saying our farewells won't be easy. Every single moment of the past 7+ months has been worth it. I'll do this a million times over. Just to grow and experience God's great love through and through, over and over.
My life may change. The circumstances of my life may change. But God stays the same. He is constant. He is my rock. He is my refuge. God is my strength.
One baby out of thousands just in my state. My arms and my heart are open. "Catch and release. Catch and release."
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
Helpless
There hasn't been anything yet in this life that has scared me as much as watching my baby boy struggling to breath and not being able to do anything for him.
We had a trip to ER yesterday.
A breathing treatment and a couple of scripts later we were sent on our way.
No idea what the onset was. No answers as to what it was.
Hoping for answers at the doctor's appointment coming up.
We had a trip to ER yesterday.
A breathing treatment and a couple of scripts later we were sent on our way.
No idea what the onset was. No answers as to what it was.
Hoping for answers at the doctor's appointment coming up.
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
Teachable
On the up and up?? Maybe. I hope so.
Trying to juggle and balance this wonderfully exhausting beautiful fairytale of a journey that is called "Motherhood."
There are definitely moments that I wouldn't ever wish to change. Then there are moments that are.just.so.much.
I don't have biological children, yet I envision raising biological children to be far easier than raising foster babies. Since I have nothing to compare it to, I can't actually set that as a rule. Just something that I often think about.
That is NOT to say that motherhood in any form is actually "Easy." Because it isn't. I am sure biological babies come with challenges all of their own. There is the post-partum recovery. The sole supporting of financially. The "these are my responsibility for the next 18 years."
In doing foster care, those are 2-3 of the very things that I don't have to stress over, mostly. Yes, there is a financial responsibility, but there is also modest assistance from the state.
--
Changes are underway and there are some really hard decision that need to be made. There are things that need to be done, but there is something that says "not now."
"Jump in with both feet and drown" kind of feeling. No thank you. I'll pass this time around.
To make those feelings known and spoken out loud so that they don't bore a hole in the abyss of my mind.
This journey is not for the faint of heart. It is truly testing my strength.
Like a muscle that gets exercised frequently to gain strength, this journey is only making me all the stronger. I am learning things I didn't know I needed to be taught.
Trying to juggle and balance this wonderfully exhausting beautiful fairytale of a journey that is called "Motherhood."
There are definitely moments that I wouldn't ever wish to change. Then there are moments that are.just.so.much.
I don't have biological children, yet I envision raising biological children to be far easier than raising foster babies. Since I have nothing to compare it to, I can't actually set that as a rule. Just something that I often think about.
That is NOT to say that motherhood in any form is actually "Easy." Because it isn't. I am sure biological babies come with challenges all of their own. There is the post-partum recovery. The sole supporting of financially. The "these are my responsibility for the next 18 years."
In doing foster care, those are 2-3 of the very things that I don't have to stress over, mostly. Yes, there is a financial responsibility, but there is also modest assistance from the state.
--
Changes are underway and there are some really hard decision that need to be made. There are things that need to be done, but there is something that says "not now."
"Jump in with both feet and drown" kind of feeling. No thank you. I'll pass this time around.
To make those feelings known and spoken out loud so that they don't bore a hole in the abyss of my mind.
This journey is not for the faint of heart. It is truly testing my strength.
Like a muscle that gets exercised frequently to gain strength, this journey is only making me all the stronger. I am learning things I didn't know I needed to be taught.
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
On Authority
Reading. Wondering. Thinking. Typing. Thinking. Wondering. Pondering. Going in circles.
Feeling so far from authoritative. Feeling like the only control I have is slowly slipping away.
What kind of authority do I really even have? I am not even sure I am seen and recognized by my littles as having much authority over them.
But what kind of authority am I looking for? To be powerful? To rank and rule over them?
No. Not really. I want relational authority. To be an influence. Not to be fire and brimstone and full of consequence.
Life in this world has a flow of consequence that follows, but parenthood doesn't have to force unnecessary consequences.
--
To set rules and limits. To clearly establish what is allowed and not allowed. To even know what those look like.
--
What do you do when a toddler only want to hit? What to do when they know more than a child should know? What do you do when a child has been exposed to far more in their little lives then you yourself has been exposed to in a life time?
How do they process and discern "right" from "wrong." I don't necessarily believe my children are intentionally doing wrong, or trying to be a bad kid. But they act based on what their perception of the world has been for so long.
Can I offer them a new perspective and help shape their perception? I sure do hope I can.
I hope I can offer calm and collected and peaceful resolutions. I want to be open in my body language. Yet I am struggling with being too passive, or coming off as "just not caring" or being too rigid.
I feel inexperienced. I feel like my insecurities are showing everywhere I go. I am confident in my God who can do far more than I can imagine or dream of. I am confident that I am impacting these babies far more than I can recognize. Yet I struggle. I struggle to know that I am doing things right. I struggle with forgetting to bring the sippy cup out the door. I struggle to remember to pack toys in the diaper bag. I struggle with bringing toys in the car to keep the kidlets entertained.
--
Remembering to just breath. And know that God is good and that He alone gives me my daily bread in all I do and all I need. Amen
Feeling so far from authoritative. Feeling like the only control I have is slowly slipping away.
What kind of authority do I really even have? I am not even sure I am seen and recognized by my littles as having much authority over them.
But what kind of authority am I looking for? To be powerful? To rank and rule over them?
No. Not really. I want relational authority. To be an influence. Not to be fire and brimstone and full of consequence.
Life in this world has a flow of consequence that follows, but parenthood doesn't have to force unnecessary consequences.
--
To set rules and limits. To clearly establish what is allowed and not allowed. To even know what those look like.
--
What do you do when a toddler only want to hit? What to do when they know more than a child should know? What do you do when a child has been exposed to far more in their little lives then you yourself has been exposed to in a life time?
How do they process and discern "right" from "wrong." I don't necessarily believe my children are intentionally doing wrong, or trying to be a bad kid. But they act based on what their perception of the world has been for so long.
Can I offer them a new perspective and help shape their perception? I sure do hope I can.
I hope I can offer calm and collected and peaceful resolutions. I want to be open in my body language. Yet I am struggling with being too passive, or coming off as "just not caring" or being too rigid.
I feel inexperienced. I feel like my insecurities are showing everywhere I go. I am confident in my God who can do far more than I can imagine or dream of. I am confident that I am impacting these babies far more than I can recognize. Yet I struggle. I struggle to know that I am doing things right. I struggle with forgetting to bring the sippy cup out the door. I struggle to remember to pack toys in the diaper bag. I struggle with bringing toys in the car to keep the kidlets entertained.
--
Remembering to just breath. And know that God is good and that He alone gives me my daily bread in all I do and all I need. Amen
Friday, March 18, 2016
Life with Two
Two foster littles. I always knew I'd get to this point. I just never envisioned the how.
I opened my home up for two children because I didn't want siblings to be separated. I knew my chances of getting littles would be greater if I were licensed for more than 1.
Then the call came for the baby. Then the call came for a little who was unfortunately being separated from the siblings as they tried to have them all together but it wasn't going too well.
--
My life as a single mom of two is .. well, crazy, eventful, wonderful, and oh so lovely!
I feel like we are always on a go, then suddenly it is bedtime and bam. Babies in bed.
--
I have good sleepers and good eaters. I have generally happy littles.
--
We read, play outdoors, pretend, go on adventures and overall soak up togetherness.
--
I laugh when I think about what is, and what was "supposed" to be. I was suppose to be a mom of two for a very short period of time. It has now been 6 weeks and 1 day. It was maybe going to overlap a week or two.
Good thing I am flexible and go with the flow. It isn't always easy, but it is rewarding. It is the small things that really capture my heart and love for what I do.
A 3 year old that loves hugs and kisses and needs them before I leave after dropping him off at daycare. A 3 year old that insists on prayers before bed each night. A 3 year old that finds amusement in the littest of things like a pair of ear plugs.
A 1 year old that is growing and exploring and watching her personality develop. A 1 year old that enjoys snuggles and being the princess that she is.
I've learned a great deal about being a momma and my kiddos. I would not change anything right now. :)
I opened my home up for two children because I didn't want siblings to be separated. I knew my chances of getting littles would be greater if I were licensed for more than 1.
Then the call came for the baby. Then the call came for a little who was unfortunately being separated from the siblings as they tried to have them all together but it wasn't going too well.
--
My life as a single mom of two is .. well, crazy, eventful, wonderful, and oh so lovely!
I feel like we are always on a go, then suddenly it is bedtime and bam. Babies in bed.
--
I have good sleepers and good eaters. I have generally happy littles.
--
We read, play outdoors, pretend, go on adventures and overall soak up togetherness.
--
I laugh when I think about what is, and what was "supposed" to be. I was suppose to be a mom of two for a very short period of time. It has now been 6 weeks and 1 day. It was maybe going to overlap a week or two.
Good thing I am flexible and go with the flow. It isn't always easy, but it is rewarding. It is the small things that really capture my heart and love for what I do.
A 3 year old that loves hugs and kisses and needs them before I leave after dropping him off at daycare. A 3 year old that insists on prayers before bed each night. A 3 year old that finds amusement in the littest of things like a pair of ear plugs.
A 1 year old that is growing and exploring and watching her personality develop. A 1 year old that enjoys snuggles and being the princess that she is.
I've learned a great deal about being a momma and my kiddos. I would not change anything right now. :)
Thursday, February 25, 2016
As Time Goes On
What happened to the time? Where has time gone? Wasn't it just last night, a week ago, a month ago that I welcomed a tiny little 7 month old into my home and heart? A baby that could hardly roll over, a baby that was so content and just went with the flow.
Now I have a 13, almost 14 month old that loves walking all over the place, loves to say "hi" to everything and still a happy little babe that thrives on attention and love.
3 weeks ago she became a "little sister." Foster care is weird. Because I am "having" children 5 months apart and years are between their ages.
This transition has not been without challenges. The first night consisted of being up from 12:30-1:15am while the newest was throwing a tantrum and I was covered literally from head to tow in throw up.
That was just a one time occurrence.
How long does it take to transition?
This little has had my heart for a month. Sometimes I get frustrated. Sometimes I question why I am called to do this.
But at the end of the day, my heart and my home are full. I love these littles.
Whether that is another day, week, month or year, love is ever so present. Time will continue to go on. And I'll continue to grow and love.
Now I have a 13, almost 14 month old that loves walking all over the place, loves to say "hi" to everything and still a happy little babe that thrives on attention and love.
3 weeks ago she became a "little sister." Foster care is weird. Because I am "having" children 5 months apart and years are between their ages.
This transition has not been without challenges. The first night consisted of being up from 12:30-1:15am while the newest was throwing a tantrum and I was covered literally from head to tow in throw up.
That was just a one time occurrence.
How long does it take to transition?
This little has had my heart for a month. Sometimes I get frustrated. Sometimes I question why I am called to do this.
But at the end of the day, my heart and my home are full. I love these littles.
Whether that is another day, week, month or year, love is ever so present. Time will continue to go on. And I'll continue to grow and love.
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
"Here We Go."
"Here we go." I was talking to my dad. I was explaining the plan. I was telling him what this week would look like and asking him if he could possibly babysit while I work this weekend.
"Here we Go," I said. "That's a good way of putting it," was the reply.
Backtrack almost a week ago.
It is Thursday, January 28th about 10am. I get a text from my present placements Caseworker: "are you open to another placement? I have a coworker looking for a home."
"Yes, I am open to a placement!"
"Great! We will call you later."
.... The longest 2 hours had just begun.
I get the call. A 4 year old little boy that may be special needs? YES. My home and my heart are open and God just spoke to my heart that He is going to teach me so much about his Love through this placement.
But they needed to move him. "Can we put together a move plan and call you Monday?"
"Sounds Great. Thanks."
... And so begins the longest weekend.
Monday comes and it is late afternoon ... no call. I send a text: "Any update?"
"I'll check ... nothing yet, we will call you first thing tomorrow morning."
Tuesday. 9am. I had a missed call and a voicemail. They are ready and have the plan put together.
I call back. "Can you pick him up tomorrow at 6pm?" YES. I was so excited. I could hardly eat breakfast.
So here I am today. Last night I kept the baby up later than her bedtime because I wanted to embrace those precious moments of her being my old baby.
It has been a very long week, but it is a beautiful week. I am excited to embark on the next leg of this journey.
As I drove into work yesterday, I was talking with God. I thought how this little dude was born even before I began pursuing foster care. As I was reflecting on that, God showed me that He had gone before me and had orchestrated this event special for me. My heart aches for the pain this little has been through, but I am going to give him all I have and love him with all my heart. <3 p="">
"Here we Go," I said. "That's a good way of putting it," was the reply.
Backtrack almost a week ago.
It is Thursday, January 28th about 10am. I get a text from my present placements Caseworker: "are you open to another placement? I have a coworker looking for a home."
"Yes, I am open to a placement!"
"Great! We will call you later."
.... The longest 2 hours had just begun.
I get the call. A 4 year old little boy that may be special needs? YES. My home and my heart are open and God just spoke to my heart that He is going to teach me so much about his Love through this placement.
But they needed to move him. "Can we put together a move plan and call you Monday?"
"Sounds Great. Thanks."
... And so begins the longest weekend.
Monday comes and it is late afternoon ... no call. I send a text: "Any update?"
"I'll check ... nothing yet, we will call you first thing tomorrow morning."
Tuesday. 9am. I had a missed call and a voicemail. They are ready and have the plan put together.
I call back. "Can you pick him up tomorrow at 6pm?" YES. I was so excited. I could hardly eat breakfast.
So here I am today. Last night I kept the baby up later than her bedtime because I wanted to embrace those precious moments of her being my old baby.
It has been a very long week, but it is a beautiful week. I am excited to embark on the next leg of this journey.
As I drove into work yesterday, I was talking with God. I thought how this little dude was born even before I began pursuing foster care. As I was reflecting on that, God showed me that He had gone before me and had orchestrated this event special for me. My heart aches for the pain this little has been through, but I am going to give him all I have and love him with all my heart. <3 p="">
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