Annual Home Visit

So in the world of foster care, one first gets licensed by the state. That license is what is called a "Provisional" license and is only good for 6 months. Prior to that 6 months being over, a home visit must occur and then a two year license is then applied for. Since I got my two year license already, every year the licensor needs to make a home visit to make sure that the home/family is in compliance and to see where they stand regarding continuing fostering, and I was due for my annual visit.

I now have my third licensor in 2 years. One got me licensed, one got me through my provisional license and perhaps now this one is here to stay for awhile. Saying I was a ball of nerves is an understatement. The first two licensors wasn't too challenging as I was new to fostering. If I was not compliant with something, they'd tell me, I'd fix it and no big deal. But I've had placements. If I were not compliant with something, and it being a new licensor I was worried.

But all went well. I was able to express strengths and weaknesses. I was able to elaborate on what I did well and what I felt I could improve upon.

The past year of fostering was filled with so many good things and so many challenging things. It was oh so hard but it was far more rewarding. It inspires me to press on. I look forward to the littles that I'll love on next.

Today I picked up some sheets and pillows for a twin bed. I need to get a frame and a mattress but I'll eventually have a twin bed in the nursery to do some respite care for a lovely family and their newest placement of a sweet 5 or 6 year old little miss.

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The past two days have been spent putting up my Christmas tree. Last year I put the tree up, put a gate around it and called it that. I never put any decorations on it. I had an 11 month old last year. This year I have my tree lit, decorated and no gate around it. It feels nice to not having to worry about a toddler getting into the tree or pulling things off it or even pulling it over!

Adjusting to no kidlets has been relatively easy, but I also miss the little noises and interruptions from them. I won't wish away this season of quiet though.

Bursting Heart

This Momma Heart is FULL!

Three days ago I got to visit with my Baby Bug (who is actually 4.5 years old!) and today I get to visit with my Baby Tugboat who is 22 months old!

While both have graduated from my care, I love that I get to maintain a relationship with them.

God is good!

Watching my baby girl grow and develop over the past 14 months is amazing. I am literally in awe that I get to maintain a relationship with her and her momma. I love that I get to take my baby girl for afternoons and just love on her. She and I share a special bond.

I've heard so many foster care stories; both of birth parents keeping in contact as well as parents wanting nothing to do with the foster parents.

One of my goals as a foster parent is to foster a relationship with birth parents where we can stay in contact during care and after reunification. I don't have much experience in that, but God guides me.

So today I will hug my baby girl. I will squeeze her tight and love her with all I've got. We get to visit my family today so they can all love on her to! She has such a huge extended family that loves her to pieces!

I love this aspect of fostering. I love that I witnessed firsthand "the system" working to bring a family back. I love that I get to continue watching this sweet baby grow and become a little girl. I am excited for her future!

This Next Season

Where do I even begin? What hasn't happened since I last wrote?

The past two days have been weird. I had a random lady come up to me after training tonight and say that my last placement - who went to live with family - is now with her. That threw me for a loop.

Last night I got a random phone call asking if I would take in a medically fragile toddler. I am not equipped nor trained for such needs. One day I hope to be, but this is not that day.

My momma heart is broken.

So much need, and I can only fill so many needs.

This is a season of waiting. A season of quiet. A season of learning and growing and new things.

I had my 4 year old for 8 months. They were the longest 8 months I've ever counted but somehow they passed by in something as short as a blink of an eye. So here I am. Going on 6 or 7 weeks of quiet. It is weird.

This next season is really unknown. I wait and I trust in the Lord. I feel led to do respite/subcare for other foster families. I have a family that I am "assigned" to and just today I received word that they have a little! So it won't be too long now before I have occasional weekend and weeknights filled with the joy filled noise of a child.

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In this season of child-free-ness I have taken all the classes I need for my upcoming licensing renewal at the first of the year! I can hardly fathom that it is almost 18 months that I've been licensed. It felt like I would never get licensed as I went through the process! And here I am, 18 months, 2 children, and some experience later!

Who would have thought? I never envisioned that my journey into foster care would look like this.

I am all signed up for classes in January. I have some word ahead of me and some deadlines to meet. All in all, I plan to pursue a degree in social work. I only have a few classes to take prior to starting in the Social Work program and I have to apply to the program prior to completing those programs since the college I plan to attend only accept fall admissions. If I miss the 2017 admission, I'll have to wait a whole year before starting my actual declared major. I don't anticipate it being an issue, but sometimes deadlines are daunting.

How fostering and school and working will all mesh together, I don't know what that looks like. I trust that it will all come together. God has called me to this; He will find a way. That I am sure of.

The First Good Bye

It has only been 18 days yet it feels like forever. Do I even remember her smell? That toothy grin? Her giggle?


The last week with her was a whirlwind. I hardly recall any of it. She left for a weekend visit with her family that Friday night and was dropped off at daycare that Monday. I was counting down the hours that I got to hold her in my arms. Then mid afternoon I get a call from daycare saying the 4 year old was breathing hard and that I had to come take him to ER. So off I went.


As I walked in the door, sweet Tug Boat ran to me and did not want to be put down. I cried as she cried as I whisked my little dude to the hospital. After 4 hours, we were given a script for an inhaler and sent on our way. That evening I held my baby girl a little longer before putting her in bed.


The next two days were a blur per usual. It's hard balancing life with two kids. By Thursday we were back in urgent care with little guy and a 102 temp all while still struggling to breath. Little dude and I were sent to ER. I had little Miss this time and I had to call another friend to come pick her up as I could not focus. I was spread too thin. Baby girl is such a champ though. She is seriously the best and the sweetest. It was Thursday. I knew that it was quickly approaching that she would be going home. I thought that perhaps Thursday night was her last night with me. I was saddened that little dude had to be admitted to the hospital with pneumonia and I could not spend the last precious nights with my princess.


Then the caseworker texted me ... "do you want to drop her off Friday night or Saturday morning?"


You mean ... I could choose if I got another night with my baby? Of course that's the option I chose. After little dude was discharged, two of my best friends came over and helped me clean and cooked me dinner and we just hung out. I put little dude to bed and the 3 of us just relaxed with my baby. It was such a special time. I got to rock my sweet thang to sleep and just hold her and smell her and take in ever ounce of her perfection.


Saturday morning rolled around and I had so many of her belongings packed. I loaded the kidlets and clothes and other odds and ends into my car and off we went for me to hand over my first baby to her momma who was anxiously awaiting this moment.


Hugs and tears and laughter and joy. Those 5 minutes were filled with every emotion under the sun. But there is hope. So much hope.


Time stands still and time flies by. How can these two totally opposite ends of the spectrum be so completely true in these moments?


I continued to pack up toys, gather left over formula, pulled the car seat out of the basement, changed the crib sheets, packed away clothes for the next little.


Even at this present moment my house is still in a disarray. I have not even cleaned the highchair from her last breakfast with us. Cheerios still scattered on the tray and tucked into every crevice possible. Boxes of clothes stacked in the kitchen. Bags of belongings lined in the living room.


I've been too busy to process. I've had too much happening to grieve. I've been sick since she left, too. Cold or allergies or something else? I don't know. How can it only have been 18 days when it feels like a life time ago. Yet really .. 18 days I've let life slide by without cleaning and organizing.


18 days of missing my baby all while breathing easy that I don't have to tote two kidlets around. Church suddenly got easier. Running errands got a bit easier. Bed times go quicker. Dinner isn't as messy. I can almost keep track of who got a bath when.


I struggle with missing her too much and no missing her enough. Is that even possible? I haven't yet found a balance.


Only twice have I cried those sweet sweet tears that bring such calming relief.


Every day I took my little dude to daycare I hoped to catch a glimpse of her. Yet she gets dropped of after I am there and picked up before I arrive. Some jealousy seeps in that it is a two parent home she is now in.


Doing this as a single mom is hard. It might just be the hardest journey I've ever embarked on. But the rewards! The joys and the giggles and the innocent "I love yous" make it worth it.


I am drained. I am exhausted. I am pulled in every direction. It feels like the world expects everything from me. But I am only one person. I am me. I am loving these babies when there's no one else to protect them. I am raising these babies with I pray a fierce passion and drive for excellence. I pray for these babies all the time. May they grow up and change the world. May they know that they are forever wanted and that all I want is for them to do the absolute best they can.


She may have been tiny, but she was fierce. I love my sweet baby's personality. I pray that one day soon I'll see her again. I pray that I can play that role of "second mom" in her life and share in the joys and sorrows the ups and the downs that she will encounter in this life.


Until then, I'll love her from a distance.

The Emotions

Bittersweet. It is the only word that I've managed to muster. It's the only word that makes sense.

How could there be another word so fitting that would perfectly encompasses every emotion under the sun that comes with welcoming a baby into my home and my heart, only for 7 months later there to be a void, gaping open, that longs to be filled.

God come! Come and fill the hearts of your faithful and enkindle in them a spirit of your love!



She hasn't even gone back yet. I still get to see her and tuck her in bed tonight. I still get to sing her sweet lullaby's for a night or two yet. Maybe longer. The anticipation of the void is there.
Auto pilot. Just doing what I need to do because I don't actually know what is happening. Will she be gone this weekend or next? Will everything come together or fall apart? For the baby's sake, I pray she can go back home and begin her new normal of living life to the absolute fullest.



I don't know if I'll cry when she goes home. Maybe not at first. My heart is guarded from the good bye right now when I am honest with myself.

How can I be happy seeing a part of my heart going on to live a life where I only play a small role?


The past 7 months I have been her constant. I have been her everything. And suddenly that's just ... gone.

This is my first good-bye. The first of many, I am sure. I went into this knowing this day would come.

I am so very happy for her and the journey she will continue to embrace. I am sad that she had to experience all she has in her short, beautiful little life.

I am thankful for love. I am thankful that I have had the opportunity to love and to be loved. This journey has not been easy, but it is rewarding. I am excited for what the future holds not just for this little, but for all the littles that are yet to come.
God is faithful. God is good. I am in awe that he chose me to shepherd this little heart.


The world has been throwing negatives at me. They question, they make comments. I've allowed this to infiltrate my essence. I've thought something must be wrong with me since I am not a hot mess of emotions.
God is guarding my heart. He has called me to this journey and He alone sustains me. Yes, emotions are running rampant, but only because I can see all things good.


People have said some strange things. They speak from a place of ignorance as they don't know.


I get that people have the best of intentions. I've learned to take many with a grain of salt.


So as I enter this new season of being a mom to my 4 year old son ... I embrace it with arms wide open.

Gearing up for Good Bye

Oh the emotions that come with saying Good Bye. The emotions that are present in Foster Care. The knowing that by saying "yes" that a "Good Bye" is almost always to follow.


What a beautiful past 7 1/2 months it has been loving on the most perfect baby girl. She has taught me so much about love, and patience, and joy. My heart beats outside my body.


How can I love a baby that I've only known so short? How can this girl be my world? How can I love another momma's baby?


Attached. We bonded within hours. She saw me and I was Momma. I was caretaker.


Transition visits are occurring. One night away ... two nights away ... three nights away ...


I tried to protect my heart. I tried to keep walls up. I know that that is not what foster parents are suppose to do.


She is the one that made me a momma. She is my baby through and through.


I pray going forward that this little angel forms a bond so strong with her own momma. I pray that she is strong and courageous. I pray that she knows her Heavenly Abba and learns how fearfully and wonderfully made she is.


I pray that it isn't a good-bye, but rather a "until I see you again" and that we can keep in touch.


I may never know the impact I've had on her life, but I pray that it goes beyond just her.


She is the most perfect baby girl. I have seen so many "firsts" and have encouraged, loved and comforted her through her milestones.


Sometimes I feel guilty being "Momma." She has a momma. She has a momma that loves her so so so very much. She has a momma that was momma before me.


But that doesn't make me anything less than her momma.


Co parenting. It is a thing. And I love it. I love raising this baby girl with her mom. I love that I have been privileged to take this wee lass under my wing and pour into her every ounce of love I could muster.


Saying our farewells won't be easy. Every single moment of the past 7+ months has been worth it. I'll do this a million times over. Just to grow and experience God's great love through and through, over and over.


My life may change. The circumstances of my life may change. But God stays the same. He is constant. He is my rock. He is my refuge. God is my strength.


One baby out of thousands just in my state. My arms and my heart are open. "Catch and release. Catch and release."

Helpless

There hasn't been anything yet in this life that has scared me as much as watching my baby boy struggling to breath and not being able to do anything for him.


We had a trip to ER yesterday.


A breathing treatment and a couple of scripts later we were sent on our way.


No idea what the onset was. No answers as to what it was.


Hoping for answers at the doctor's appointment coming up.

Teachable

On the up and up?? Maybe. I hope so.


Trying to juggle and balance this wonderfully exhausting beautiful fairytale of a journey that is called "Motherhood."


There are definitely moments that I wouldn't ever wish to change. Then there are moments that are.just.so.much.


I don't have biological children, yet I envision raising biological children to be far easier than raising foster babies. Since I have nothing to compare it to, I can't actually set that as a rule. Just something that I often think about.


That is NOT to say that motherhood in any form is actually "Easy." Because it isn't. I am sure biological babies come with challenges all of their own. There is the post-partum recovery. The sole supporting of financially. The "these are my responsibility for the next 18 years."


In doing foster care, those are 2-3 of the very things that I don't have to stress over, mostly. Yes, there is a financial responsibility, but there is also modest assistance from the state.


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Changes are underway and there are some really hard decision that need to be made. There are things that need to be done, but there is something that says "not now."


"Jump in with both feet and drown" kind of feeling. No thank you. I'll pass this time around.


To make those feelings known and spoken out loud so that they don't bore a hole in the abyss of my mind.


This journey is not for the faint of heart. It is truly testing my strength.


Like a muscle that gets exercised frequently to gain strength, this journey is only making me all the stronger. I am learning things I didn't know I needed to be taught.

On Authority

Reading. Wondering. Thinking. Typing. Thinking. Wondering. Pondering. Going in circles.


Feeling so far from authoritative. Feeling like the only control I have is slowly slipping away.


What kind of authority do I really even have? I am not even sure I am seen and recognized by my littles as having much authority over them.


But what kind of authority am I looking for? To be powerful? To rank and rule over them?


No. Not really. I want relational authority. To be an influence. Not to be fire and brimstone and full of consequence.


Life in this world has a flow of consequence that follows, but parenthood doesn't have to force unnecessary consequences.


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To set rules and limits. To clearly establish what is allowed and not allowed. To even know what those look like.


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What do you do when a toddler only want to hit? What to do when they know more than a child should know? What do you do when a child has been exposed to far more in their little lives then you yourself has been exposed to in a life time?


How do they process and discern "right" from "wrong." I don't necessarily believe my children are intentionally doing wrong, or trying to be a bad kid. But they act based on what their perception of the world has been for so long.


Can I offer them a new perspective and help shape their perception? I sure do hope I can.


I hope I can offer calm and collected and peaceful resolutions. I want to be open in my body language. Yet I am struggling with being too passive, or coming off as "just not caring" or being too rigid.


I feel inexperienced. I feel like my insecurities are showing everywhere I go. I am confident in my God who can do far more than I can imagine or dream of. I am confident that I am impacting these babies far more than I can recognize. Yet I struggle. I struggle to know that I am doing things right. I struggle with forgetting to bring the sippy cup out the door. I struggle to remember to pack toys in the diaper bag. I struggle with bringing toys in the car to keep the kidlets entertained.


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Remembering to just breath. And know that God is good and that He alone gives me my daily bread in all I do and all I need. Amen

Life with Two

Two foster littles. I always knew I'd get to this point. I just never envisioned the how.


I opened my home up for two children because I didn't want siblings to be separated. I knew my chances of getting littles would be greater if I were licensed for more than 1.


Then the call came for the baby. Then the call came for a little who was unfortunately being separated from the siblings as they tried to have them all together but it wasn't going too well.


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My life as a single mom of two is .. well, crazy, eventful, wonderful, and oh so lovely!


I feel like we are always on a go, then suddenly it is bedtime and bam. Babies in bed.


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I have good sleepers and good eaters. I have generally happy littles.


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We read, play outdoors, pretend, go on adventures and overall soak up togetherness.


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I laugh when I think about what is, and what was "supposed" to be. I was suppose to be a mom of two for a very short period of time. It has now been 6 weeks and 1 day. It was maybe going to overlap a week or two.


Good thing I am flexible and go with the flow. It isn't always easy, but it is rewarding. It is the small things that really capture my heart and love for what I do.


A 3 year old that loves hugs and kisses and needs them before I leave after dropping him off at daycare. A 3 year old that insists on prayers before bed each night. A 3 year old that finds amusement in the littest of things like a pair of ear plugs.


A 1 year old that is growing and exploring and watching her personality develop. A 1 year old that enjoys snuggles and being the princess that she is.


I've learned a great deal about being a momma and my kiddos. I would not change anything right now. :)

As Time Goes On

What happened to the time? Where has time gone? Wasn't it just last night, a week ago, a month ago that I welcomed a tiny little 7 month old into my home and heart? A baby that could hardly roll over, a baby that was so content and just went with the flow.


Now I have a 13, almost 14 month old that loves walking all over the place, loves to say "hi" to everything and still a happy little babe that thrives on attention and love.


3 weeks ago she became a "little sister." Foster care is weird. Because I am "having" children 5 months apart and years are between their ages.


This transition has not been without challenges. The first night consisted of being up from 12:30-1:15am while the newest was throwing a tantrum and I was covered literally from head to tow in throw up.


That was just a one time occurrence.


How long does it take to transition?


This little has had my heart for a month. Sometimes I get frustrated. Sometimes I question why I am called to do this.


But at the end of the day, my heart and my home are full. I love these littles.


Whether that is another day, week, month or year, love is ever so present. Time will continue to go on. And I'll continue to grow and love.

"Here We Go."

"Here we go." I was talking to my dad. I was explaining the plan. I was telling him what this week would look like and asking him if he could possibly babysit while I work this weekend.


"Here we Go," I said. "That's a good way of putting it," was the reply.


Backtrack almost a week ago.


It is Thursday, January 28th about 10am. I get a text from my present placements Caseworker: "are you open to another placement? I have a coworker looking for a home."


"Yes, I am open to a placement!"


"Great! We will call you later."


.... The longest 2 hours had just begun.




I get the call. A 4 year old little boy that may be special needs? YES. My home and my heart are open and God just spoke to my heart that He is going to teach me so much about his Love through this placement.


But they needed to move him. "Can we put together a move plan and call you Monday?"


"Sounds Great. Thanks."


... And so begins the longest weekend.


Monday comes and it is late afternoon ... no call. I send a text: "Any update?"


"I'll check ... nothing yet, we will call you first thing tomorrow morning."


Tuesday. 9am. I had a missed call and a voicemail. They are ready and have the plan put together.


I call back. "Can you pick him up tomorrow at 6pm?" YES. I was so excited. I could hardly eat breakfast.


So here I am today. Last night I kept the baby up later than her bedtime because I wanted to embrace those precious moments of her being my old baby.


It has been a very long week, but it is a beautiful week. I am excited to embark on the next leg of this journey.




As I drove into work yesterday, I was talking with God. I thought how this little dude was born even before I began pursuing foster care. As I was reflecting on that, God showed me that He had gone before me and had orchestrated this event special for me. My heart aches for the pain this little has been through, but I am going to give him all I have and love him with all my heart. <3 p="">