Foster Care, and Feeling all the Feels

Sometimes I sit and I ponder, and think a not very positive thought.

I question this journey, where my heart has been wrung and been wrought.

Raw open emotion, allowing my heart to be exposed,

Feelings and emotions, these doors cannot be closed.

To feel and to be, to love and be present each day,

Waking up with a smile, and embrace living this way.

These children have not chosen a life such as this,

Crying and fighting, begging for their family who they so desperately miss.

To give all they have, just to know their old normal,

This new place is foreign, so wrong, so abnormal.

To comfort and love, to hug and to cry,

To feel all the feels and have tear stained faces as the tears try to dry.

So often the world doesn’t understand, they don’t know,

These children’s stories, the pain, the sorrow the woe.

The world offers words, their attempts are pure,

Though often these comments can be obscure.

Often these snippets are riddled with good intentions,

But too deeply they hold a weight with so many tensions.

I understand that you are curious and have questions,

But knowing their story shouldn’t affect the love expressions.

The comments that are spoken, cannot be unheard,

My head is left shaking, thinking “absurd.”

’It is great for people to do this … those who can’t have kids of their own.’

‘Just watch out … they’ll set the house on fire.’

‘It is going to hurt real bad when they go home.’

‘I can’t do it; I would get too attached.’

The list continues, the emotions burn, although taken as lightly as I know how.

It gets better, I find my peace, and the burden gets lighter somehow.

I am here for the children, my heart is so full.

I am their advocate, their caregiver, their parent and I‘ll take no bull.

This isn’t the place they want to be, they have not been given a choice,

I am their world, their home, their words when they have no voice.

Take it or leave it, there is no in between,

Build up, encourage, these kids need self-esteem.

This mission is a mission straight from heaven, God-breathed,

All the strength and grace needed will be received.

Join me in rejoicing when a child comes and goes,

Praying God’s love sowed in them blossoms and grows.

While they didn’t grow within me, and long after reunification occurs,

I’ll love them like my own, every day all through the years.

My heart is on the line, and I would expect nothing less,

Then for my home and my heart to be ever blessed.

While tears are inevitable and grieving is a process,

I am excited for all the littles to pass through my doors, I confess.

Joy comes in the morning, though there may be sorrow at night,

I am reassured by this promise, so be gone all fear and all fright.

Wherever life takes me, God is my compass, my guide,

He goes ahead of me, behind me, and walks along my side.

Through the good times and bad, my faith is in Him,

I’ll sing yes and amen, and loud alleluias, forever on my lips, those are my hymn.

 

Another Update

We mostly take the days in stride, living each moment to moment. At least we try.


It is far easier to say than it is to do. But we sure do try.


We just celebrated our first Christmas. Her first Christmas and my first Christmas as a momma. It was really special. Bittersweet. Everything about foster care is bittersweet.


The baby has been taking her first steps. She may very well be walking by her first birthday coming up soon. But she is a little hesitant.


She is starting to talk a lot more. No real words, really, but she is getting there! She says "Mama" "Ni-nigh" "bye-bye" and "Mona." And perhaps a few others thrown in there that I am not quite sure what they mean yet.


She has such a personality! I love it.


She continues to be an excellent sleeper and eater. She has become slightly more picky, but still doesn't turn much down.


I love this season. Our time to say good bye or "see you later" may be soon approaching, but for now, we love these moments and live them to the fullest.

Oh to Keep on Keeping on; To Love with all I've Got

Amazed. Encouraged. In awe. Emotions. Time stands still, yet goes by too fast.


Foster Care and all the glories that come with it.


Too often words aren't even enough. How can I possibly be so eloquent with my words when the whole basis behind foster care is such a heartache and mess? How can I not love the littles in my home? How can I part with them? How can I work with their parents and the case worker and every other person in their short little lives towards a common goal of reunification?


To be called on this journey is something that I have no answer as to why. To be called, to be chosen, to be hand picked to lay my heart on the line and let the Love of God flow in me and through me.


I am honored. I am humbled. I just sit, stand and kneel is complete awe and amazement. I laugh and giggle. I am filled with such joy.


Sometimes I feel guilty for expressing how much I love being a mom. Especially given these circumstance. I was talking with a neighbor this past weekend, and I said "Oh, I am only a Foster Mom." She stopped me right there and said "Not ONLY, you ARE her Foster Mom! There is not only. You are."


--


Too often I find myself living under a stereotype that no one has given me aside from myself. I have very few people in my life that give me a hard time, or speak these things into my life. Sometimes it feels like the negative is overpowering, but in all actuality, LIGHT WINS.


The past 6 weeks have been filled with self-talk and negative, shameful and doubting phrases. I have walked surrounded by a dark cloud that doesn't actually exist. Because I made it exist in my mind, I believed it.


It wasn't until I was talking with a coworker and able to put words to it, that I realized what I was doing and how I was living.


--


There is no shame in being a Foster Mom/Parent. There should never be, and shame on anyone who shames a Foster Parent.


--


Who really cares what the world thinks? I only care what my Father in Heaven says of me.


I fell into the pit of caring what other people say about me. I feel into a negative way of thinking based on what others were saying to preserve their own self image. I fell into shame and guilt because I was worrying that the world was going to lash out at me.


--


God is so gentle though. He spoke to my heart and He reaffirmed who I am. He spoke truth into my very soul and spirit and mind. He spoke peace and joy back into my life. He spoke identity and life.


--


The world is going to do what the world wants to do. The world may reject Father God, but I won't. He has called me to where I am, and I am going to walk in this journey and walk in the fullness of life.




God is so much bigger than anything the world throws at me. God is so much bigger than any trial I face in this life.




With all that being said, I lift my head high, and I surrender everything ... I give my all to the One that Gave His All.

In the Middle of the Night

"A Baby changes everything" is what I have heard and how the song goes.




Welcoming a baby into my heart and my home has been very different than what I envisioned. All at the same time, I don't think I really envisioned what it would be like.


This whole foster care journey has been surrendered to God from the beginning. Yes, there were definitely moments when I tried to take hold of the reigns, but God gently reassured me that He has got this. And got it, He does!


Last night from 2-3:30am I had a wide awake baby. She was crying her scared cry. I am not sure what had her so worked up, but I tried to give her the pacifier, I tried laying her down, I tried patting her back, I tried holding her. She was inconsolable. Finally I took her favorite blanket and I swaddled her. She does not like being swaddled, or at least she hasn't yet, but last night I wrapped her up like a little burrito and I took her downstairs and we sat in the living room and rocked. She was wide eyed and aware of her surroundings. She finally started to calm down and relax, but every time I moved her, or tried to stand up, the crying continued.


I finally put her back in bed because an hour had passed, and I was at a loss what to do. She was no falling back asleep, she was not relaxing. She cried for a little while (it was her "I am mad you are not holding me right now" cry) and I went back into my bed and prayed that God and His angels would surround her and love on her. I prayed that the spirit of fear would leave.


My heart broke. I felt so selfish. I was exhausted. So badly I wanted to just hold her and never let her go. Yet at the same time I was frustrated. I was upset that this happens every.single.Wednesday into Thursday. I just wanted her to sleep. I just wanted to sleep. I always think about turning off the baby monitor so that I can get some sleep. Then I think that I am cold and heartless. I do miss sleeping through the night and not having to get up earlier than usual to make sure the baby gets dropped off at the sitters so that I can make it to work on time.


So many feels. So many thoughts. It is only a moment, a blink, when I'll wake up after sleeping through the night and the baby will be gone. She will be back home. And if that isn't her story, one day not too far from now, I'll wake up and she will be grown. She won't need me rocking her back to sleep. She won't need me holding her and cuddling in the wee hours of the morning, just the two of us as the rest of the world sleeps. I won't be holding her on my lap, trying to nap as I try to get her to go back to sleep.


It goes both ways. There is always give and take. It won't ever be a win-win. I want her to sleep through the night, but I want her to know she can rely on me.

She already has enough unknowns and uncertainties in her life. She doesn't need more.


I got a good nights rest last night. I slept well again from 3:30ish to 6 once the baby had calmed down and drifted off to sleep. I made it to the daycare nearly on time. Only 3 minutes late instead of the 10-15 that I usually am.


Snuggling with my munchkin is the best. She is growing up way too fast already. She likes to be down and getting into things where as just 5 short weeks ago she wanted nothing but to be held.


While I still wish she wanted to be held a little more than she does now, and while I wished that she had wanted to be put down a little more then, I am so thankful that I got in as many baby snuggles as I could soak up the past 5 weeks. I am thankful I worked to get the baby on a schedule. I am thankful that she is gaining confidence and independence and that she can self soothe more now then she was able to when she first entered into my home.


She sits like a champ. She crawls like a pro. She is pulling herself up and getting adventurous!


I love her with my whole heart. I love her with every ounce of my being.


She is my world and she has changed me for the better.

Heaven's Delight

One of the hard things about Foster Care, and I've read about it from other Foster parents, is that the "monthiversary" or "anniversary" dates to remember are the dates the child came into care or was adopted, etc. My baby celebrated her 9 month birthday, and it also escaped me until 10 minutes before her bedtime. The 3rd is the date of importance to me. The 3rd is the day my world came to a complete stop.


One month was the 3rd. Thursdays are the weeks. 1 week .. 2 weeks .. 3 weeks .. 4 weeks .. almost 5 weeks later.


Day 34 of my first foster care placement. 34 days feels like so long while waiting for something, yet looking backwards, I think I blinked.


My 9 months old is now crawling ... crawling fast! She is determined to get to where she wants to go. She is pulling herself up along the sofa, end tables, chair, laundry baskets, carseat, and anything else she can.


Time goes by too fast when one is in love. And this is the truth.


We take it day by day with lots of love, snuggles, book reading and floor time. We go to the park and go on walks and just enjoy so much that life has to offer us in this season.


I am really excited to experience a lot of things with this munchkin. I am excited to see where life takes me and her. I am excited to pour into her life in this season!


She is a mighty warrior. She is fearfully and wonderfully made. God delights Himself in her.

Who Am I?

Well intentioned. I know the words are meant in good will.


I read the blogs. I heard the stories. I experienced it on a small scale.


The questions. The comments. The inquiries.


Bear with me as I write this on too little of sleep, and now I sip coffee hoping it kicks in so I can prepare for a very productive day.


--


No, I cannot talk about why my baby was removed from care. And why do you want to know anyways? Are you trying to make conversation? I am not sure. Are you interested for the sake of the child? This child has been in my care for 27 days now and I still do not know why she is in my care versus the care of a relative. I asked once, but I didn't want to know the answer. I have not asked again.


Will knowing this baby's past and the brokenness of her parents make me love her any more? Any less? Will I compare myself to them and say "at least I am not doing that!" Will you compare me to them or them to me? I am no saint.


Given their life story ... would I have made different choices? Maybe, but maybe not.


--


"I bet you are going to be heartbroken when she goes home." STOP. Just stop right there. And do not speak that into my life. I am not there yet. I am not sure how I am going to embrace and adjust to the new normal. My heart broke the moment I got the call "we have a baby girl ... can you take her?" My heart breaks every moment when she has a family visit and comes back home to me. My heart breaks every time she looks at me and babbles "Mamamamama." My heart breaks every new milestone. My heart breaks every bottle drank and every jar of baby food finished. My heart breaks for her birth momma that gets to visit her only a few short hours a week.


So will I be heartbroken when she goes home? I don't know. I know that I'll miss the heck out of her! I know that it will be different. I know that it will take some time to adjust to being single and childless again. But I will rejoice that she is well and that I did good by her. I will rejoice because I am and at that time, did, LOVE her with all I had. I will rejoice because God chose me to shepherd her for this time. I will rejoice because I am the one that got to experience her first time crawling and her first time pulling herself up to standing. I will rejoice because I got to be the one to read her bedtime stories, and take her for walks and bond with her at such a tender stage. I will rejoice because she is touching SO many lives.


--


Being a foster mom certainly has it challenges. Working at the state level ... no elaboration necessary. The baby came with so many clothes a few sizes too small. But she also came to me on the hottest week of the summer and she came with enough food that lasted the first 2 weeks. Everyone has strengths and everyone has weaknesses. While there were clearly reasons she was removed (remember .. I don't know why), she certainly wasn't removed for lack of nutrition from what I can gather.


I've had to buy the baby clothes for fall and winter. I had to buy the baby pacifiers (ps .. clear pacifiers are awful!!) because she came with none. I had to buy the baby bottles because she came with 2 but one of them leaked at least 1 out of 4 ounces all over her, and the other one ... I use that for family visits.


--


Being a foster mom is so rewarding. I love the baby snuggles and the smiles. I love that this beautiful, perfect little girl looks to me as care provider. The bond we share is indescribable. She trusts me. She knows that I care about her.


She is such a sweetheart and has won over many hearts already.


--


Life. I speak truth, life, light and joy into this wee one's life. I rebuke the strongholds others throw at her. I rebuke the judgments and stereotypes. She is fearfully and wonderfully made. With so much happening in the media centering abortion and planned parenthood ... I REJOICE that her momma chose life. If it means I get many sleepless nights, if it means that I spend twice as much on gas in my vehicle a month because of the detours for sitters, appointments and daycare ... so be it. I'll go to the moon and back for my baby girl.


--


Her Case Worker is phenomenal! She cares so much for this baby. Their bond is indestructible. The love they have for each other is special. The Case Worker wants what is best for this baby and I am so honored to be sitting in and observing this.


--


If you are reading this and see me regularly ... please don't stereotype my baby. Do not attach foster to her name. Do not think poorly of her parents. There are countless reasons for children to be in the system. They do not belong there. Sometimes they are there for specific and good reasons. Other times it has to do with false accusations or a simple mistake. Please join me in loving this sweet girl for a time, and then loving all the other children that enter under my roof.


--


My house is a Safe Haven. God promised me that World changers will be brought up here. I look forward to seeing the paths my babies will take as they grow up. I look forward to the testimonies. I am so excited to see how God will use me and work through me and the kidlets that I will care for. For a season, short-term or long, I will never stop loving the least of them. Let the little Children come to Him. If I can provide a safe, loving and nurturing home that allows for God to be known and heard ...


I don't know my full mission. I can't even begin to imagine why God called me to this. Especially in this season. Why am I a single, mid-20s lady, living with my dad foster Momma? Why now? Why not when I am married? Why not when I am older? Why not when I have my own place? These aren't really questions. I don't actually want to know the answers. I want to walk in this journey, allowing God to direct my paths. I want to follow His calling and listen to his subtle voice.


I know whose I am.

Small update

I can hardly believe that today is day 21. Three whole weeks have nearly passed.


At least now we have somewhat of a timeline to establish some permanency. I'll have Tug Boat at least until the next case review date in December. Less then that if there is a significant development in the case. Longer than that, if deemed appropriate.


Baby has been crawling and making it across the living room. She has a favorite blanket. Naps aren't our favorite times of day, but we have bedtime down like a pro.


She has visits 3 days a week, and it is on those days where I feel a little territorial and have that eye opening experience that she is not my baby. She has a momma and a daddy. She has family.


I have her now. I don't know why. I don't know her story of removal. I don't know the whys. I actually don't think I want to know the whys.


Often I think back to the terribly long process of getting licensed and I think that it needed to happen that way. Had I been licensed sooner, who knows if I would have this baby.


God's timing is the best timing. I learn this over and over again.


Even when it comes to day care. I had one all lined up and I wasn't too keen on leaving my baby in her care, so everything kind of fell through. Then I found Mrs. Dottie. I love her. She does well with my baby. Today is only day 2, but I have a feeling that my baby girl is in good hands ... the hands God intended her to be in while I work.


Day care prices are steep, but I trust in God. Not sure how everything is going to fall into place, but God has been ever present throughout the entire journey, He is not about to leave me now!

162 Hours Later

It has been 162 hours since I picked up my first placement.


It was love at first sight.


As I sit here, I am trying to think back 168 hours ago ... what was I doing? What was I thinking? I hadn't even gotten the call yet. I was making plans. I was planning that night and the errands I was going to run, and the things that I was going to do. When with 1 phone call ... my life changed forever.


~~


This beautiful baby has given me the title of mom. I have no idea how long she will be in my care. Possibly today she'll be moved. Not likely, I am told. But in foster care ... anything can happen at anytime.


Cases can be set for reunification for 15 months, then all of a sudden parents rights are terminated. The goal might be for parent's rights to be terminated, when there is a court hearing and the kids are ordered home that night.


~~


Being a Foster Parent is risky. My heart is on the line. When I agreed to take a placement, it was pretty much setting my heart up to be broken.


Within 20 minutes I was smitten with a little angel that captivated my heart.


~~


The first evening was wonderful. She was so happy! She laughed, and slept and I tried to offer her a bottle, but she really wasn't all that interested.


We got home really late, but I knew that was going to happen. I knew we were in for a long night. I tried to put her down at 10:30 after her bath, but she was not for that at all. We tried to rock in the chair, but she was so fascinated by my puppy that sleep was not happening. Knowing that I had the following day off, but had appointments scheduled, I was ok that it was now going on 11:15.


Finally I pulled out the Ergobaby, placed her in it, and within 10 minutes she was out. I laid her in bed, and she was up 4 times between midnight and 6am. It was a long night.


We ran our errands and made it on time to our appointments on Friday. Only 24 hours had passed, and I was trying to get baby on schedule as she had never been on one before.

The weekend was really good. I went to church with my mom and 2 little sisters on Saturday. My cousin brought me dinner and visited. Then I went to my friends church on Sunday and did introductions. We hung out with some really awesome momma's and their little men that afternoon. On Monday, the holiday, I went to my moms and literally spent sun up to sundown there. I wanted my baby to know she could trust being there because she would be up there everyday this week until I put her in daycare.


I did find a daycare and she will go there 3 days a week starting next week.


The driving back and forth and trying to make everything happen at once has been the most draining.


After that first night, baby slept the entire night without getting up once. Then every night since she has only gotten up once during the night ... though last night she was up at 3am only needing her back rubbed and she went right back to sleep ... sleeping the majority of 9p to 8a.


~~


What a roller coaster of a first week it has been. There is nothing that I would change about it. Transitions suck, but baby is settling in and getting comfortable. She is starting to recognize the routine, too. She hates being put down, or when I walk out of the room. But she is a doll and she will be mine as long as I am called to have her. :)

So that's what it feels like -- getting that first call

The adrenaline rush that comes with that first call.


"We have a baby. Are you interested? Call me."


I called back not even 5 minutes past the missed call.


It is a "we might need you, but we will let you know either way."


~~


"Whatever is in the best interested of the baby" is what I said.


Everything I have been preparing for and being prepared for is coming alive before my eyes. It can all change within a moment's notice. I have been given about 2-4 hours to prepare.


~~


It has only been 1 hour. My mind is going from one thought to the next. Wondering if I have a short term baby. Wondering if I have a long term baby. Wondering if I'll even have the baby at all.


Time will tell.


God is in charge. My surrender is in His hands alone.


I am ready for Him to call me out upon the waters and we can swim, sing and dance together.


~~


I have forms prepped for people to be cleared for central registry.




~~


Soup time. I need some lunch.




~~


And not even 2 hours after getting the "can you?" call, I am mentally preparing to pick up FD8 months old after I get off work in an hour. 


~~


Count down to "Mom Status" has begin.

Different News

I met with my licensor this morning. She is one of the sweetest people I have met. She is relatively new to licensing, but not new to the agency.


She showed me around the visiting rooms and the medical clinic and filled me in on some agency specifics.


I asked her about the present needs and there has been an increase of children coming through their doors older than the age stipulations on my license. It has been quite some time since they've seen a baby.


She explained the process of how they choose a family for a child that enters care.


Based off her information, I left feeling like it will be awhile before children are (long term temporarily) placed in my care.


~~


God is good and He always has perfect timing for everything.


While I wait, I plan to do respite care.


This allows for me to be a "weekend babysitter" and I don't need to plan for daycare, appointments, and everything else that comes with the territory of being a parent.


Right now I will take a placement ages 0-4 years old. Once I invest in a twin bed, I will expand that age range.... either up to 8 or maybe even 10 years old ... but for weekend respite only.


~~


So while it isn't the news I was hoping for, I am happy that the babies get to stay with their family. I am happy that there are less small ones entering the system.


My horizons are broadening. I am stepping into territory that I had not envisioned before. The future is still so unknown, but I follow my Papa's guiding and prompting.


~~


I am a momma. My heart has long been being prepared for this. My home not as long, but close to a year now.


God is good, and I know that He is preparing this way. I know that He has the perfect youngsters needing my love. There are children out there that will push me and mold me and have more of an impact on me than I may have on them.


If I can change the world of just one child ... my mission, my purpose, my calling will all be worth it. God is telling me that more than one life will be touched. How many that is, I don't know. But God knows.

Dear Newly Licensed Foster Parent

I got a letter from the State today. It was from the head of foster care in the state. I didn't really read it as I was pressed for time, but the "Dear Newly Licensed Foster Parent" brought tears to me eyes as the journey feels more real by the day.


It included a really nicely laminated reference sheet and how to call and schedule appointments for children in my care. Again, I just skimmed that, too.


~~


Next week I am getting together with my neighbor and we are going to work together to prep some freezer meals so that when I do take in placements the meal aspect of it will be easy.


We plan to make meatballs, and meatloafs, and crockpot freezer meals, and I'll probably throw in some stuffed shells. I will also make some sloppy joe mix and taco seasoned meat for easy and quick meals in a pinch.


~~


Tomorrow is the day that I get to meet my new licensor. My prior licensor saw me to licensure, but was then promoted to a licensing supervisor. This new lady has been great in emails and phone calls and I am rather excited to finally meet her face to face.


I have a feeling that it will only be a matter of time before I receive that call with a placement.


~~


So many things are coming up in my life and it is hard to commit to any of them.


I am missing out on a race because I thought I would have a placement by now, and I also spent the money somewhere else, as well as trying to save up for my half marathon in just over 8 weeks.


I could not commit to it and I wanted to so bad, but clearly no bad enough to make it work.


There is a concert coming up in September that I am going to with a friend. I told her to buy the tickets. I am going. I am going to have a good time.


There is a music festival the following Saturday that I am going to go to with my family that following weekend.


Just so much.


And I am still looking for backup sitters. I need people to watch the kiddos because I need to stop living my life with a "what if" mentality. I have been doing that since May. I have held off on things and places that I wanted to go and wanted to do because it was likely that I would have a placement.


Clearly, I did not nor do I have a placement.


It will happen. Soon. I know that. The statistics prove that there is a child -- children -- that need my home. They need my love. They need open arms that embrace them and help them embrace and prepare and excel with change.

My Hope is found in Christ Alone

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.


Romans 8:24-25 For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.



Romans 12:12  Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.



Romans 15:13  May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

Hebrews 11:1  Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

Psalm 71:14 As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.

Hebrews 6:19 We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain.

Job 11:18 You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety.

1 Corinthians 15:19  If in Christ we have hope in this life only, we are of all people most to be pitied.

Daniel 12:3 Those who are wise shall shine like the brightness of the firmament, and those who turn many to righteousness like the stars forever and ever.

1 Corinthians 2:9 Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him.

Revelation 21:4 And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.

Heroic Warriors

"Soldiers are trained. Warriors are Tempered."




I am in the middle of reading Girls with Swords by Lisa Bevere. I have read this book twice already over the past 2 or 3 years, but it is one of the books that you don't just read once.


The next part of the book hones in on being tempered as a Warrior.


I was talking with a dear friend last night and I was reflecting on my Foster Care journey. She was saying how she got together with a friend, and the friend's friend, and all 3 of them were saying how crazy it is that I am a foster mom, and that I was younger then all 3 of them. They didn't mean crazy as in insane, but moreso from a "wow" perspective, as I understood it.


During our conversation, I was reflecting on the past 11 months and one of the best ways I have been able to describe this Foster Care journey is that is has been character defining. My character has been being refined and defined over the course of a year.


This journey has not always been handled with the grace and poise that I so wish it were. This journey has been real and has been raw. In the moment I feel foolish to admit the hardships of it, but months later I can see just how needed those moments were!


"Control freak" are certainly not words I would use to describe myself. I like to know the order of events, and when there is sudden change it does take me some time to adjust, but adaptability is one of my strengths on the StrengthFinder 1.0. I can adapt to my changing environment. When things change I usually embrace them. There have been some moments recently in my life that went opposite of what I had planned for (been told), and I reacted not the greatest, until I realized that change can be joyful and adventurous and fun!


Being a Foster mom, I have to be a warrior. I have to stand up for me and the babies and their families.


Entering the Child Welfare system, I realized that it is a broken system. I can't go into great detail, not necessarily because I am not allowed, but moreso because I don't want to entertain negativity. I can get angered and depressed at how unfair the system is for children and foster parents. But I want to focus on the reality that God called me to this and that He alone will sustain me through this journey (as He already has and will continue to do).


To be strong and noble and a warrior. To teach the babies in my home that they, too, are warrior princesses, and warrior princes. To teach them that they are heroic. That they are world changers.


Foster care has a lot of stigmas, mostly negative, attached to it. I know that I am only one person, but I want to change the status quo for the kiddos that are under my care.


Foster care doesn't have to be negative. It doesn't have to be something to be ashamed about. Even for the kiddos bio parents .. I want to extend love.


Why did I embark on this journey? So far it has been all about the character defining moments. In the future? It'll still be about the character defining moments. But it will also be about providing a stable and loving environment to the youngsters that enter my home.

Training

this past Saturday I took more classes for foster licensing. If I understand correctly, this was all the training I needed before January 8, 2016 when my 6 month provisional license expires. Then I'll get the official license that is good for 2 years. I need to refresh on what training is required every two years after that.

These classes were PRIDE 5, 7 and 8. PRIDE 1, 2, 3, 4, and 6 are mandatory prior to being licensed. I took those 5 back in November 2014.

These classes focused on change and a small snapshot into all that changes in the lives of the children and families and Foster parents lives.

While the classes are certainly eye opening, I don't expect then to fully prepare me for what Foster care really is.

I've heard a lot of people say that Foster care wasnt at all what they expected; it wasn't as bad as they had been prepared for.

Whatever happens, I don't expect to be prepared, but I do know I've had adequate training and that thr Lord is on my side. He always has been. He won't ever leave me. Amen.

The Realness of it All

Foster Care. There is so much stigma attached to it. So much about it that I have not experienced yet.


People who ask why the children are in care. People who stare because the child is a different ethnicity. Curiosity.


Then the financial aspect of it. These children come from really dark places. They don't know how to express emotions in a healthy manner. They scream, kick, bite, scratch, break things.


Appointments. Visitations. Medicines. Abnormal sleep patterns. Acting out in ways not normal for a toddler. But these children are not "normal." In their short lives they have been traumatized, neglected, and encountered various abuses.


So much of me just wants to take them by the shoulders and look them square in the eye and tell them that life sucks. That life deals us a lot of crap. That we all get hurt at some point or another. I want to instill in them that they have a choice.


I don't like it when people always play victim. I want to raise these children to rise from a horrible place and know their worth. I want them to be victors.


Will they understand it? At 0-4 years old? Perhaps not. Will I be able to use these word tracts? More likely no. But through words and actions I can raise world changers. I want these kids to know that they are strong and capable of so much more than their circumstances try to define.


People may try to tell me how hard it will be. People may think this mentality [to raise world changers] is crazy. I have never really cared what negative people thought throughout this journey. God has called me to it, and has continually promised me that He will see me through it. He is the one who has given me this heart and this mindset. I will be faithful to it. Will there be hard days? There always are. Can I possible imagine all that is in store for me and my little family? Absolutely not. But I choose to embrace the goodness. I long for the moments that make this journey feel completely worth it. I long for the smiles on sad faces, and laughter from pure joy. I long for these babies to be loved far more then they presently are. I pray for their bio parents and bio families that healing happens. I pray for reunification. I pray for strong family bonds. I pray for greatness.


While my main focus is the health and well being of the babies, I pray to touch the lives of the bio parents. Because Lord knows establishing relationship with them can be the hardest part of the entire journey.

Calls

The calls come. Not very much at first.




Questions. Wondering if I can ... Saying they have a child needing a home. The first one was respite only. The second was a short placement as another family got licensed. The 3rd was a sibling group.




I have strict guidelines I need to stick to. I have opened my home for 0-4 year olds. I work outside the home. I have never been a parent before. I need to be able to work. I cannot jump into parent hood with a school aged child. The schedule would be a nightmare.


Foster care, while yes, is compared to a long term babysitter .. but there are appointments. There are visitations. There is so much time commitment. I am not sure how this is all going to come together.

I can fret and worry. I can stress and be anxious. But this journey has been in my Father's Hands since before I even knew it to be a dream of mine! So that is precisely what I will continue to do. Father, into your Hands I surrender all. Amen.

A Month Later

Wow. What can change in a month.


After the last post I just left things be. I was done with the weekly updates when nothing was happening, except an email every other week letting me know it was still delayed, from May to July.


I started to drool over Mazda Miatas. I started crunching numbers and thinking about what I was going to do with all the "stuff" I had invested it. Never once did I feel I bought anything for naught, and regardless of the outcome, I knew that I had bought everything for a reason; I had bought in faith.


So the days turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into months. I wish I could say that my faith never waivered. By late June/early July I was questioning every day if this was something that was going to happen now or not. I felt I would officially withdraw my application. I felt that I would just say that I'd try again in 6-10 years. But c'mon. I knew that if it didn't happen now, the chances of it ever happening were extremely slim. So I just held out in limbo from late June.


I continued to pray. I continued to press into God. I continued to speak life into my life and pray over the children that would be in my care. I am a firm believer that faith comes by hearing. I also know the destructiveness of internal self talk. I have lived and experienced that proclaiming truth aloud silences this negative thinking and that by focusing on a mantra or promise from God it brings peace and truth and results. I kept on living.


Fast forward to July 8th. I was at work, and checking my personal email on my phone as I had been so frantically doing several times an hour since May. There it was. An email from my licensor. It had a funny subject. It had my name, some letters and plenty of numbers. I opened it and all it said was "Your license is now open."


OPEN. Effective July 8th, my license is open. I sat in a crying puddle of joy-filled tears. God IS FAITHFUL. IS. He is ever so faithful.


It didn't really sink it at that moment. It did, yet it didn't.


I checked the mail daily for the paper license. Wednesday. Thursday. Friday. Saturday. Monday. Every time nothing. I began to wonder if I misunderstood what "open" meant. I had dressed both beds months ago, but now I opened up all packages of sheets and washed every single bed sheet, blanket and burp cloth. I was living in faith and living my new reality.


I called my licensor to inquire about what the future looked like that following Monday morning. He told me that by their standards, I was open for placements. He said the paper license can take up to 2 additional weeks to be mailed. So I stopped frantically checking the mail. I knew it would be coming. I told my licensor that I was open for placements starting in August, but that I could do weekend respite/substitute care the last two weekends of July as needed.


No calls the first week. No weekend placements last weekend. Saturday came and the mailbox was empty. As I turned to head back up the driveway, the mailman came and HAND DELIVERED my foster license. From his hands to mine. I opened it up and there it was. Licensure FELT REAL!.


I received a call for substitute care for this upcoming weekend, but due to underlying circumstances, it would not have been a good placement. That's what happens in Foster Care. There is so much that goes on behind the scenes that I have no idea about.


So I wait.


Waiting for a phone call to see if weekend care is needed this weekend.


Otherwise I wait still.


I am sure I'll be getting that call in August.


I am a momma. All the delays, all the tears, all the paperwork, and investments are worth it. Every.single.one.of.them.


Welcome, to the sisterhood of Motherhood. The journey continues.

"A watched pot never boils"

and apparently checking email every hour, and rushing towards the newly delivered mail doesn't speed up the process of licensing.

I feel discouraged. I feel drained. I feel to the point of why am I still waiting, still clinging to this, this viewing it as a possibility.

I wonder what I'm missing. What im doing wrong. Why this isn't happening as I feel it should.

The delays are frustrating. The hoops to jump through are tiring. Not to mention the financial burden.

I'd almost be ok if I just stopped moving forward. So much of the past several months were "I might have a placement by then!"

Can I just take a break? A break from the tugging on heart strings. A break from the hope that this will happen sooner than later. I am just so drained from all the unknowns. This isn't going by textbook. Nothing I do ever does, I feel. But then again .. What in this life really does?

My license could come tomorrow. Or it might not. I'm done hoping for things to happen fast. They'll happen in Gods timing. I don't understabd the delays. I don't understand this timeline. I don't understand why I felt this so prominent on my heart and stepped out in faith only for the delays, only for the state to question things my agency has never seen.

I'm not discouraged, and I'm not giving up hope, but I'm facing the world reality that this sucks and yes it's a very emotional journey. God is in control but how often I've tried to keep control of it.

--

I'm not one for "back up plans," but I've already decided that if my application is declined, I'm buying a Mazda Miata. Depending on how much it costs to insure, I'd buy a 2015 or even 2016. It would take awhile to come up with a down payment, but it's what is work towards getting as soon as my student loan is paid off in spring of 2016!

--

God is good. And even when I feel nothing is happening right or that the world is caving in, I trust that Father has a far grander plan for my life than I could possibly imagine.

From every angle

This journey has been long and drawn out. When I started in September, it began moving very quickly. Almost too quickly. I lowed down to enjoy the holidays, and then come mid-late January, it was back in full swing. By April 1st, my study was submitted to the state. But here we are mid-June and I am still waiting.

There have been some delays. There are things my licensor is facing that he says are the first for the agency. I am happy that it is a learning experience all around, yet the delays have brought out some emotions that I never saw coming.

I had to have my Environmental Health Study redone. It took some time to get that scheduled. Then I needed the septic pumped. There was another 10 days. I finally got the report in the mail today, and I hope my agency got it too and that my application can be resubmitted with all necessary documents. It is possible that I'll have my license as early as the week's end. I want to have that hope, but I also have a hard time holding onto too much hope. I believe that good things are in store. I know that Abba Father has called me to this. I know that everything is working out for his good.

These times of delay just make it so much more rewarding when the answer to prayer comes. There is something to be learned through all of this. Either I can do things that I wouldn't be able to do had I gotten my license prior. Maybe the littles I am going to get are going to be lined up so beautifully with my license. Perhaps if I already had my license, I would have received a placement, but the ones that God is preparing my heart for are on their way and this delay just lines everything up with God's most perfect timing?

What lies ahead? I honestly don't know. Will I get my license? Yes. When? I wish I knew. God knows. And I will walk in His most perfect plan for me.

Amen.

Once upon a time ....

 ... in a land and time that seems so far away, a little girl held a dream so close to her heart.


This dream was to one day be a momma. She rocked her baby dolls. She gave them their bottles regularly. They got baths, and clean clothes.


They were so very well loved and cared for.


This little girl was not ordinary. One of her biggest prayers was that when she awoke, the baby dolls that were entrusted to her care would wake up and they would be real live, living and breathing babies.


Morning after morning, night after night, this prayer remained on her lips.


Her desire and hope to be a momma was so intense.




As time went on and the little girl became a big girl, she knew now that baby dolls would not become live babies. She wanted to travel the world and care for the orphans. Her biggest dream now was to open an orphanage in the heart of the city.


It was a sad day when she learned that America no longer runs orphanages. Babies need nurturing and love. They were not getting this in orphanages. This girl wanted to change that. She wanted to prove that she had enough love to raise world changers.


Many years later, the big girl was now a young lady and thinking about courtship, marriage and raising a family. She had a place to live, but so longed for the pitter patter of little feet, the sticky finger prints on the wall, and cuddles in the rocking chair as bed time stories were told. She longed for play dates and trips to the park. She knew it wasn't all about fun times, and that there were going to be temper tantrums, and "terrible twos" and diaper rashes, and teething babies, and all the responsibilities that cone along with the joys of motherhood.


One afternoon, she felt a nudge. A whisper, if you will, asking her if she would be willing to be a foster mom. "There are so many littles in the world that don't know me, they don't know my love," she heard. This young lady didn't know what to make of it. Was she imagining things? Was this something she could do? She wasn't married. She didn't own a home. She was working 3 part time jobs. Could she give up her "freedom" and commit to this task?


Years went by but this desire in her heart grew. It went with her as she moved several times in a year. It remained with her as she transitioned from 3 jobs to 2 jobs and an internship. It stayed with her as she went to school and pursued a degree. It remained with her so much that she often daydreamed about and prayed for the babies needing love.


Finally she moved into a home that was far too large for just her and her normal day to day life. She had come to possess so many material riches that her closet was actually 2 closets. There was so much stuff that it took up not only 2 bedrooms, but also a utility closet.


She just kept packing in the stuff. Her material possession were expanding.


Not long after moving in, she was talking with a very dear friend of her and they were discussing life. It was shortly after this beautiful soul left when this young woman had to sit down in the entry way because she knew. She knew that this was the place where God's glory was going to be shown. She knew that world changers would emerge from within those 4 walls.


Every year, it was journaled about. Every year it was written as resolution. "Inquire about foster care."


"How can this be? I am not married, I don't own a home, I am so young!" These thoughts floated in her mind. She pondered and prayed. She said if it was meant to be, it would be, but she would need to be shown how.


Only though the foster care and adoption of her own baby sister would she realize that the steps had been being prepared for her all along.


"Faith ... is taking the first step without seeing the entire staircase."


It has been an uphill journey for this young woman. She has learned so much in the process. Her passion and love for the broken and hurting in the word increases day by day.


While the journey is certainly upward, it has not come easy. There have been road blocks, and tests. All of which are continually surrendered to the Lord.


Sure she wants to have littles in her home now, loving on them. Yes, she wants to be making a difference and wishes she had children in her care months ago.


But she realizes that anything beautiful takes time. Anything worth having is worth waiting for.


The principles she has learned in this journey so far can be applied to far more life circumstances then just this one area.


In all areas she is learning to trust in the Lord with all of hear heart. To lean on Him and not her own understanding. To have faith that God has called her to something far more beautiful then she could ever imagine or think she wants.


It has been a beautiful journey, and one that will have a magical ending for all involved. A story that will have more than just one happy ending. :)

Small Update

Nothing really new happening ... yet. I had to have my environmental health study redone since the one that I originally submitted was deemed as "expired."

That was completed on Friday. Now I need my septic tank pumped and a report card filled out on that. Once that is done, everything will be forwarded off to the State again.

I have confidence that everything is working on for the greater glory of God.

He constantly reminds me that He has called me to this and that He will bring me through it.

One that note, I purchased a double jogger. The chances of getting just 1 child in my care is very slim. Mostly likely I will have 2, most likely a sibling group. No guarantees or normals, but that is what I have been told is the most likely.

Seeing that I have to prepare for a half marathon, having a double jogger is pertinent. And I can also rollerblade behind it. I am pretty excited to dust of those bad boys.

Until next time .... lots of love!

Another Box

Still waiting. And while I wait, apparently formula companies enjoy giving me a head start that I am not quite ready for.


I came home on Friday to a box of Enfamil.


While it makes me excited, it also makes me want to be impatient and have a baby in my arms already. But I also don't want to rush anything. I also don't want to put all the hopes in getting an infant. My age range is 0 years to 4 years. It could be years or never before an infant is placed with me. It could also potentially be my first placement. Or any in between.


I don't have a preference. My heart is open to whatever the Lord has planned for me.


And if the time comes where the shelf life of the formula is waning thin, I know of a great women's and children's place close to my home. If the Littles in my home can't benefit from the cases of formula, I know where they will be put to good use and whole-heartedly appreciated.


I will continue to wait on the Lord and see where He guides me. :)


A season of waiting. And hoping. And trusting.

Gain and Loss

Loss. It is what makes foster care so hard.

Mother's Day was yesterday. I was really hoping I would have had my license in the mail by then. I am still in a season of waiting. My day will come.

I was not anticipating having children in my care this soon. I didn't want my license so that I could have children so that I would be qualified to celebrate Mom's Day.

The hardest part about foster care is the loss that comes with it. The children that enter into the children welfare system don't choose it. They don't want it. They don't anticipate or embrace waking up in a strangers house where they don't know the rules. They don't know the routine. They don't know the people or the food or the location. They don't know where mommy, daddy, grandma, papa, or sometimes even baby brother or big sister are.

They don't understand that they were living in an unhealthy situation. They don't know anything else. They have adapted to their living environment. They have taken on a role that often not even many adults take on.

--

I am not going into this to earn the "mom status." I am not going into this to fulfill a longing to be "mother."

My heart breaks for the women who long so much to be mothers, but can't be. My heart furies at the ladies who are mothers but don't embrace selflessness.

--

I might gain a child for a day, a week, a year or a lifetime. A child may gain a stable living environment, a safe shelter, a forever home. But they will experience a loss that I will never know. I will never know what it feels like to be taken from my home and lose everything I have come to know.

Too often we use adult rational and think that a child should be happy to be in a stable environment. We fail to even try to come to a place where we relate to a child and try to fathom their grief and loss. They may not understand stable and healthy. They just know what they used to have they have no longer and that what they used to do and eat and play and live has been taken away from them.

 --

I want to be the momma that God has called me to. Whatever that looks like. Whenever that happens.

Share your story!

I love sharing my journey with others. I love getting to share my heart and hear the journey of others. 

Sometimes the journey throws curve balls. Sometimes the plan far exceeds my own dreams and visions. 

Right now I'm at a place of waiting. It is outside of my control. And in God's hands. Where it has always been. The entire time. <3

I have a little puppy

For the past year, I have had the privilege of being "mommy" to a little Maltipoo pup. She loves her bones, treats, running around outdoors (especially collecting leaves!!), snuggles, fetch, and just being with people.

A bond between dog and man is quite a phenomenal thing. My puppy knows when to expect me home. She is waiting by my door when I come home. She knows when my dad is coming home. She waits at the top of the stairs, or on the couch watching diligently. She can sit, stay, and shake. She loves getting and receiving kisses. Belly rubs and scratches behind the ears are some of her favorites.

She doesn't like her crate at all. She needs it for car rides, so ultimately she isn't a huge fan of car rides. She doesn't like sleeping anywhere besides next to her owners. The piano, she either loves or hates. I can't tell what her howling means yet. Baths ... she isn't a fan of those at all.

One of my favorite things about my "baby squidgey" is the bond she has with my "baby squeezy" aka "baby sister."

I have a little sister and the bond the two of them share is unbreakable. My sisters have had a year of practice as this whole "aunt" thing because baby puppy is "baby niece." I often tell my puppy "Let's go up to the aunties' house!"

Mona. Mona is my baby squidgey's "Real name" but we don't often use it. My little sister is just learning how to say 2 syllable words. Mona has been called "Momo" and most recently, what melts my heart, is the little voice saying "No-ma."

My puppy is so patient with little hands. She will sit and "be rocked" on the couch watching movies. She will be wrapped in a blanket and be carried around. She has too often been picked up upside down and carried.

She is so patient. She never bits, nips, or scratches the youngsters she is around.

I remember when they first met. There was jumping, and kicking, and then not wanting to a thing to do with each other. It has been incredible watching their bond strengthen. The squeal of "MONA!" when the pup goes running through the door and into the hands of the baby sister is quite a testimony. 

I am really excited to see the bond baby puppy will form with the littles who will inhabit her territory. There is a little bit of hesitation as I know small dogs and children aren't an ideal mix. With careful supervision, and clear boundaries, as well as some time and patience, I am sure "No-ma" will win the hearts of many and bring a comfort that no man can offer.

A Picture Post

The mountain of paperwork; only part of the whole

The Nursery painted

Convertible Crib as a Toddler Bed

Crib as Toddler Bed

Two Cribs; One Toddler Bed, one as infant Crib

Only the coolest Car Seat I have ever seen

4 pack of flannel receiving blankets

2 pack of print receiving blankets

Dressed Toddler Bed with stuffed animals and Blanket

Dressed Crib with Blanket

Nursery Set Up with Floor Mat

End of Crib Quit

"Welcome to the Sisterhood of Motherhood" -- what really helped make this journey feel more real

Sampler of Formula

Assortment of Blankets, clothes, hangers, puzzles, crib sheets and toys

More blankets and some 0-3 month baby boy clothes I've had for years

Crib with smaller stuffed toys and cloth books

Child chair and ottoman generously donated by my cousin

Gotta keep the car Seat Fresh!

His Way in All Things

Sometimes this journey just feels so surreal. Sometimes I think I am dreaming.

This journey has been in the Hands of God since before it was even a thought in my head.

So often, I wonder ... why can't every other area of my life be in such submission and surrender to God's will like this one? So often I try to take the reins of life and try to steer and dictate the course or the outcome.

So often I find myself struggling with a broken heart or weeping because I feel I just can't move forward.


How come I can't be content? How come I can't see the bigger picture? How come I can't "Let go, and let God?" Why must I have the upperhand and why must I know the outcome before taking any action?

This journey has taught me so much just in the past few months. When I first embarked on this journey, I sent a dear friend a text message along the lines of "I feel I am right on the edge of something beautiful and something nerve-wracking. Like I am on the edge of the water. It is scary, but is is so peaceful! I want to feel like this all the time! I want God to direct my life as clearly as He is this part!"

Why is it that I so often forget that when I do let God takes the reigns, peace immediately follows? He wants to so much direct every area of my life. Why do I think too often that I can be my own strength and my own protector? His plan and His will is far superior than I could ever possibly think up.  

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord. 

 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Isaiah 55:8-9

If it weren't for God, this journey from one to more would not even be possible. I have those moments when I find myself on my knees in a joyful thanksgiving with tears pouring down my face with the praise "Thank you, Lord, for not giving me what I wanted so desperately!"

I reflect on so many areas of my life. I just sit and shake my head. But I also lift my hands.

I needed those moments. I needed the tears. I needed the pain. It wasn't needed in the grand scheme of things, but I needed them to get to where I am. Those moments grew me. Those moments defined me. Those moments taught me and often remind(ed) me that I belong to my Heavenly Father.

One of the greatest things I have learned is that it is ok to be human. It is ok to make mistakes and learn from them. I have learned how much my Father loves me. I have learned to trust Him and trust that His timing is far better than what I think I want. 

I am done trying to take control and dictate my own life. At least I am until the next time I try, only to be taken into my Abba's loving embrace and reminded that His ways are far better than my own ways.

The biggest theme the past many months has been "wait" which ultimately equals patience.

This is a season of growing, a season of planting, a season of waiting. My heart is open to the newness God has in store for me.

One of the first Bible passages I memorized was Psalm 51:10. "Create in me a pure heart, O God; and renew a steadfast spirit within me." I want a pure heart. I want all I do to spring forth from not only good intentions, but rather from Spirit breathed dreams and God-spoken promises. 

I want to walk with the Giants and conquer mighty things for God's kingdom!

I want to raise Giants. I want to inspire these children who may struggle with finding their place in this world, that there is a bigger picture. There is a reason to live, to hope and to dream.


We all have a purpose. We all have a calling. We are called to be world changes and called to share the Gospel and spread the Love of Christ everywhere we go. 


What does your calling look like? I know mine.